The Pits

Feeling stuck, I think, is even crappier than feeling like you're just having a bad time. 

Maybe it's like the difference between a nasty flu that lasts for a week and having a chronic illness. 

There's a lot that feels like it hasn't gone right for me all year this year, and let's face it, there's not THAT much left of 2012.  My current focus is to just get somewhere.  My home is so close to being back to normal after the bedbugs and the continuing aftermath.  I'm still seeing my therapist, trying to read more books, trying to take time to be mindful of everything.  Despite my best efforts, there are still many times I feel like I'm standing on one leg and a kickstand. 

I finally saw The Dark Knight Rises over the weekend.  (I'll try not to spoil much here.)  In part of the story, Bruce Wayne is taken to a terrible prison at the bottom of a pit.  The prisoners have the option to climb out and escape their prison, but every time someone tries, they fall.  No one ever makes it--they live out their lives in toil and despair at the bottom of this pit.  Of course, Bruce Wayne is the goddamn Batman, and he's determined to escape so his beloved city does not collapse at the hands of evildoers.  He trains through the agony of a broken back and makes multiple attempts to leave the pit.  What drives him to succeed?  Being the goddamn Batman.  Being the hero.  Being the one who can stand up for Gotham City.

There are times when I feel like I'm stuck in some pit of despair.  I could try to climb out, but that seems just as exhausting as being stuck at the bottom.  I think it's just my time to go for it, without the stupid rope.  Commissioner Gordon isn't necessarily looking for me up there, because I'm not a vigilante hero. 

But I'm an awesome person.  I am creative, intelligent, friendly, loving, and totally capable of all kinds of greatness.  There is nothing worse than knowing you are a rockstar but not believing it anymore. 

Do you have any tips for banishing negativity from your mind?  How do you get yourself out of a funk?  Once you start working on improving something about yourself, what's the best way to keep it up?

Happiness: deal with it, okay?

I realized that for being such a happy, optimistic, perky person, I am often my own worst critic.  I am a harsh judge of myself.  I am guilty of worrying about what others think of me, sometimes constantly.  Lately, it can be pretty easy to fall into a trap I've set for myself, ending up overly self-critical and generally down on myself.  I have a tendency to let comments and good things slip my mind if I'm having a bad week/month/year.

That is, um, if it's okay with you.

For example, I can't help but think that last year (2011) was a bunch of crap.  A lot of bad things happened.  There was a lot of stress.  Yet, through all that, I managed to have another awesome year of marriage.  I had a poetry feature in another state in which I also led workshops for school-age kids.  I had a poetry feature at my home venue in Philadelphia.  I did a lot of dancing.  I sang more karaoke than I have since my senior year of college.  I went to my first drag show.  I stepped in as secretary of the poetry slam.  I was published in two different literary magazines online.  I kept up this blog, despite feeling overwhelmed sometimes.  I stuck with my job, even through the frustrating days.  I bought a Dexcom.  I took a chance and dyed my hair red.  I went to a few really awesome events all by myself and had a great time.  I met some cool people and had some great experiences.

See?  I am a happy person from day to day, for the most part.  I sometimes feel like I don't show that to myself often enough, if that makes any sense.  I can say I'm fine, I will tell you everything is great, but on the inside it may be a different story sometimes.

It's so easy to get hung up on the negative, the disappointing, the discouraging, the bad news.  I am so guilty of it lately.  It's hard not to when bedbugs are causing stress at home, when my job is less-than-cool, or when diabetes is making me feel like garbage.  I have a friend who says when you are feeling down, you should write a list of 36 things you are grateful for, happy about, thankful for.  So here are some things that are happy in my life, just to remind me that in the grand scheme of things, I'm okay.

I have some truly incredible relationships in my life.  I have an amazing, supportive husband.  I have a supportive, loving family.  I have friends who treat me like I'm family.  Despite almost 22 years with diabetes, I have yet to experience anything more than the most minor of complications.   I can afford to work, eat and play.  I've held the same job for over four years now.  I am a blogger with over 60K page views and over 1000 followers on Twitter.  I know how to take a decent picture.  I have a pretty good eye for design.  I've got great love in my life.  I can make people laugh.  I was the only woman to compete in semi-finals this year for the Philly National Poetry Slam team. Even at 30, I have a pretty ridiculous imagination.  I've got great support out in the DOC.  I have people who believe in me and what I'm capable of.

So I just have to deal with it.  I've got plenty to be happy about, even when that little self-doubting voice in my head is trying to tell me otherwise.  Happiness is here, I just have to remember to look for it first, before I see the negative.  Just deal with it, Hannah.  

A Few Parting Words about MHAW

It’s the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month, and some of you may wonder how I’m doing with my therapist.  Without revealing too much, I will say that we are getting along great.  He also does some art therapy so we may explore that area a little more.  He seems to understand (and works to continue to understand) some of the more unconventional aspects of my life.  He treats me with respect.  Like the best healthcare providers, mental or physical, I always feel like he is on my side.  He challenges me to think about things in my life I hadn’t really contemplated before.  I find that I am more thoughtful during the week because of it. 

Also?  He’s a fellow dork.  We’ve had a couple of conversations about RuPaul’s Drag Race and comic books.

There’s been a lot of candid talk about depression around the DOC this month, and I want to thank all my fellow PWDs for sharing their stories.  We are truly not alone.  

Whether you're happy, unhappy, confused, anxious, coping, not coping, manic, depressed, whatever you are, just remember that mental health is a healthcare concern too.  There is no shame in getting help.  It's only going to make your life better.  Just be patient--it takes time.  Just look at me.  I'm still learning.  But I think I am on the road to feeling like myself again.

Diabetes Blog Week, Day 1: Find a Friend

Happy D-Blog Week to all of my friends in the Diabetes Online Community!  I am constantly astonished at how many names and faces have popped up since I started blogging back in 2006.  I certain have been at this for a long time.  It's such an honor to know that I am in great company, and that I can count some truly awesome bloggers among my personal friends!  Seriously, I have been chatting with George and Kerri and Scott J and Allison and Amy and Kelly and many others for years now, and while I do feel a twinge of jealousy when other people are getting invited to d-blogger summits or events, it just inspires me to work harder at blogging.  

It's funny, I often feel like I have a similar position in the poetry slam community.  I'm the poets' poet.  The bloggers' blogger.  I know lots of people whom I adore, and vice versa, and yet I still feel like this relative outsider at times.  I'm not complaining.  I just feel like I'm some best-kept secret that never makes it onto another list.  Can I nominate myself on Find a Friend Day?

I am realizing that sounds a smidge emo and self-indulgent.  I've been focusing on myself a lot lately.  Introspective.  Anyway.

One blogger you need to check out is Nicole Purcell.  She used to write at her own blog, now she blogs for D-Life's Blogabetes, and George already had some awesome things to say about her today.  She is at the top of my "I am totally going to meet this person one day" list.  She has tattoos and is into all kinds of badass music. 

Have you visited Scott E of Rolling in the D?  Definitely my favorite blog name I've found this year, great content, and he was recognized in the Best of the 'Betes blogs in March.  I'm described on his blogroll as having writing which is "humorously quirky", and that also won him some points.  Also, raise your hand if you now have Adele singing in your head because of his blog title.  Thought so.

Jess became a blog pal of mine recently via Twitter.  I feel like we are kindred souls at times, struggling with the same things, trying to get over some emotional hurdles, some things that are challenging us mentally, plus diabetes, plus everyday regular life.  If you aren't reading Me and D, you should check it out!  (Hilariously, work internet has decided her site is NSFW today. Kind of like the day Texting My Pancreas got blocked but came back up the next day.  You guys are some naughty diabetics.)

There's some awesome online friends for you to make.  And if you haven't told someone about Dorkabetic yet, why not do it today? [end shameless self-promotion]  See you tomorrow for D-Blog Week, Day 2!

"I am so high right now."

It's a difficult feeling to experience.  Between the crankiness and the extreme fatigue comes the guilt.

I should have paid better attention to my numbers today.

I should have tested more today.
 
I could have changed my infusion site earlier.  

I shouldn't have eaten [insert "forbidden" food here] at all, let alone that much of it.

I wonder if my insulin went bad, and I didn't even think to check.

I should be getting something productive accomplished but I feel like shit.

I could be sitting here and relaxing, but no, my vision is a bit blurry and so I'm getting a headache while trying to drink water, waiting for insulin to kick in and watching TV.  And now I worry about my eyes.  Great.

I catalog all the reasons I have disappointed myself, my family, my loved ones, anyone who shares my life and living space.  I stop and feel guilty about feeling guilty.  I'm 30 years old.  Shouldn't someone have cured this nonsense by now?  Shouldn't I know exactly how to handle everything?  Shouldn't I remember to test more often?

I am not Diabetes Wonder Woman.  I have not perfected the art of doing it all/having it all/maintaining a great A1C while doing so.  However, maybe I am a bit super.  Nearly infinite in patience with myself, always trying to look on the bright side, always hoping that things are moving in a positive direction.

But it's hard.  It's hard when the numbers seem to be telling me something that I already know.  Sometimes the numbers are threatening.  Sometimes the numbers are harmless.  There are days I'm pretty sure blood glucose meters exist primarily to make me feel bad about myself.   No matter how vigilant I am, it sometimes feels like when I attempt to live like a regular person, I am always on the wrong side of 100.  It's 160 and climbing, or it's 70 and dropping. 

It's difficult work.  It's exhausting. 

It's me wondering why I don't have a gallon jug of spring water at my beck and call for these sticky dry mouth occasions.  It's imagining my blood is slowly sludging through my veins, like dyed-red corn syrup.  That's what they use for blood in the movies. 

It's knowing tomorrow is another day, and now is another correction bolus.  It's the belief that on the other side of that correction bolus is a less-tired, happier version of myself.  You know, the one who was hanging around before my stupid infusion set sprung a leak.

Honest O'Clock on Friday

My pal Mike has this concept that he introduced me to several years ago.  He says that at every party, after all the initial fun is starting to wear off, when the levels of drunkenness are starting to run high, when people are starting to get to that moment where they are at their most raw, it becomes Honest O'Clock.

It's the time when you are likely to tell your friends about something you adore or despise about them.  It's when real, often ugly, truths come out.  It is wise for most party guests to start leaving after Honest O'Clock.

So it's been a little while since I wrote a blog post, and it feels like it's Honest O'Clock here, dear readers.  I want to blog.  I want to blog more.  I want to write, and it's just not coming out right now.  In fact, a lot of things that I want to do right now aren't getting done.

I'm stressed.  I'm depressed.  I'm pretty serious about finding myself a therapist, probably in the next week.

Writing is one of my favorite hobbies.  It's something I still hope I can translate into a new career one day.  Right now, I can barely do any of it.  I'll be honest and say recently, it's been tough trying to be my own fan, trying to support what still makes me happy, trying to remember that (hey, Clairol), I'm worth it.  You know what?  People seem to think that all poets are depressed, and that's why their poetry is good.  When this poet is depressed, she writes no poetry.  That's even sadder than depression itself!

I want to dance and do arts & crafts and enjoy life again.  Every day.  Believe me, I am still hanging in there, I am still doing okay.  I went to an excellent concert last weekend.  I've got two events tonight I'm looking forward to.  I am excited for the CWD Focus on Technology in a few weeks.  I just want there to be fewer days in between the fun stuff where I don't feel like leaving my house.  I want there to be more days where I feel like I'm not floating through my workday, having difficulty remembering what to work on. 

I've talked about my depression here before, briefly.  Honestly, if you read that post, this may all sound like nothing new, except I am less than a month away from turning 30.  I have some help already in the form of medication, but I am at the point where whatever is troubling me is more than an imbalance of brain chemicals. 

I want to start feeling better so I can get this blog back into shape.  So I can get my career back into shape.  So I can write some damn poetry.  So I can be 100% me again.  I'm pretty sure depression is 100% cureable, just like diabetes. (See what I did there?  With the joking?  OMG Google will surely put me under listings for depression cures now.)

It's just the feeling that something is very wrong.  It's time to make it right. 

Do you struggle with mental health?  Got any tips for finding a therapist?  Let's talk and share.  There's no shame to be had here.  Let's get honest, because really?  When you look back on the party, you should remember the fun stuff.  Honest O'Clock is over for now.