Thursday, April 5, 2012

"I am so high right now."

It's a difficult feeling to experience.  Between the crankiness and the extreme fatigue comes the guilt.

I should have paid better attention to my numbers today.

I should have tested more today.
I could have changed my infusion site earlier.  

I shouldn't have eaten [insert "forbidden" food here] at all, let alone that much of it.

I wonder if my insulin went bad, and I didn't even think to check.

I should be getting something productive accomplished but I feel like shit.

I could be sitting here and relaxing, but no, my vision is a bit blurry and so I'm getting a headache while trying to drink water, waiting for insulin to kick in and watching TV.  And now I worry about my eyes.  Great.

I catalog all the reasons I have disappointed myself, my family, my loved ones, anyone who shares my life and living space.  I stop and feel guilty about feeling guilty.  I'm 30 years old.  Shouldn't someone have cured this nonsense by now?  Shouldn't I know exactly how to handle everything?  Shouldn't I remember to test more often?

I am not Diabetes Wonder Woman.  I have not perfected the art of doing it all/having it all/maintaining a great A1C while doing so.  However, maybe I am a bit super.  Nearly infinite in patience with myself, always trying to look on the bright side, always hoping that things are moving in a positive direction.

But it's hard.  It's hard when the numbers seem to be telling me something that I already know.  Sometimes the numbers are threatening.  Sometimes the numbers are harmless.  There are days I'm pretty sure blood glucose meters exist primarily to make me feel bad about myself.   No matter how vigilant I am, it sometimes feels like when I attempt to live like a regular person, I am always on the wrong side of 100.  It's 160 and climbing, or it's 70 and dropping. 

It's difficult work.  It's exhausting. 

It's me wondering why I don't have a gallon jug of spring water at my beck and call for these sticky dry mouth occasions.  It's imagining my blood is slowly sludging through my veins, like dyed-red corn syrup.  That's what they use for blood in the movies. 

It's knowing tomorrow is another day, and now is another correction bolus.  It's the belief that on the other side of that correction bolus is a less-tired, happier version of myself.  You know, the one who was hanging around before my stupid infusion set sprung a leak.


  1. I didn't even know they used corn syrup in movies for blood. I always imagine it as maple syrup, which probably wouldn't be the right hue even with a healthy dose of red dye, but it works better in my pancake fantasies.

  2. @Lee Ann -- Immediately my day has improved by imagining a remake of "Carrie" in which a huge load of maple syrup and pancakes fall from the ceiling onto her head. I then imagine she picks up the pancakes and starts chowing down. I know I would. :P

  3. yes, just yes. to all of it.

  4. We know you're not Diabetes Wonder Woman. I don't believe she exists. But if she does, and you happen to meet her, you should ask what her secret is!

  5. Andrea Wrape10:31 PM

    Tired and blurry here as well, today. Thanks for vocalizing a big part of this struggle/life/condition. Tomorrow could be different. I'm hoping it will be

  6. It's easy to focus on the negative when you feel like crap. Don't let the 'bad' glucose readings bring you down. After all, no readings are 'bad'. They just tell you what you need to do. Nobody is perfect and you shouldn't expect yourself to be. Keep your chin up and don't let diabetes win!

  7. Yup. A giant +1 to everything here.

  8. You've perfectly captured it. the whole enchilada of too many of my afternoons (or the whole pile of pancakes?). Thanks for being courageous enough to share this. I've gotten better at treating the numbers as data points over the years rather than several opportunities a day to berate myself. But it's a constant battle!


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