Goodbye, 2013.

Out with the old; in with the new.  Sounds like a good plan to me.

In 2013, I didn't blog as much as I wanted.  I renewed my URL, but never quite got it applied because of the hassle I was going through and a lack of time.  I allowed aspects of my struggling work life to interfere with the life I enjoy, but at the same time, I made a lot of changes for the better.  What happened that was notable?

I was a reader on Live from the Kelly Writers' House on WXPN fm.

I had a couple of poetry features in different places.

I was published in APIARY Magazine, then later ended up joining their staff as Coordinator of Outreach and PR.  I met a lot of really great people by doing this, and my life is better for it.

I celebrated my 31st trip around the sun, and my 23rd year with Type 1.

I moved into the City of Philadelphia proper.  I am still learning the ways to make it my home, but it's coming along nicely.  I like it here.

Despite the anxiety and stress I've been under on the job, I still get up, I still come in, I still do my work.  2014 is the year the daily grind is going to stop grinding me down.  I will find something new.  The "daily grind" will be more like some fresh-ground espresso--exciting, energizing...good-smelling?

I made plans to get myself in gear after a really awful A1C.

I got a new insulin pump!  (Tandem T-Slim)

I decided on a potential name for my Dexcom G4: Jadzia.  If you ever watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, you will hopefully find this as amusing as I do.

Here in December, I began experimenting on Victoza.  I took a little break for the holidays, but I plan on being back on it by Thursday.  I am definitely going to share some experiences with you all.

I didn't write enough blog posts.

I got to be a guest on DSMA Live!

I dressed an insulin vial up for Halloween.

I wrote some new poems, but I definitely didn't write enough of those either.

I wrote one short-short story, and that felt pretty good.  I think I need to do more of that.

I changed my hair color a couple of times.

I discovered how much I love brightly colored and bold lipsticks.

I let my inner girly-girl win out and got subscriptions to Ipsy, Birchbox, and Julep.  (If anybody else out there would be interested, I think I have referral links you can use that benefit both of us in the end.)

I met Scott J!  And Cherise!  And Sara K!  And Mike Lawson!  And Hannah and Aaron and Jerry the Bear!  And Chris Snider!  And Colleen!  And I saw Allison and Kerri and Manny and others!  What a kickass year for DOC hugging!!  It deserves more exclamation points than I can comfortably continue to fit in this little line break.

Most of all, I am happy I made it through another year in relative good health and high spirits.  May we all learn something from 2013, may we all reflect fondly on the good things.  Happy New Year, Dorkabetic readers!  See you in 2014!

The Whys and Hows of Dorkabetic

On Mashable.com a while back, I discovered an infographic that piqued my attention.  It is a reference for job-seekers on whether they should or should not share something via social media.  If you want to see it, it's pretty neat.

I had to pause for a moment, though.  One of the chart questions is "Does it contain details of relationship woes, a doctor's visit or bathroom troubles?"  When you answer yes, it leads you to the opinion of sparing other people these details.  I don't want to tell everybody about whether I have a problem which may require consuming a lot of Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt to reach a solution, but doctor's visits?  I blog about diabetes.  I blog about my depression struggles.  I blog about my doctors, my endocrinologists, CDEs, medical supply companies, health insurance, issues with needles that poke into my skin, stories about blood--my own blood!--gushing from some part of my body after removing one of many aforementioned needles.

So am I chasing away potential employers reading this blog?  I certainly hope not.

In my everyday life, I am the master of saying "I'm fine."  I'm perky; I'm happy.  I try not to show people who are not my closest acquaintances that I am struggling, because I feel like other people shouldn't be worrying about me.  This blog has given me an opportunity to be honest, to share my struggles with the world, and to feel like my writing actually means something to those of you reading out there.

I sometimes post one-word Tweets or cryptic quotations/song lyrics in my Facebook status.  Does all of this make me any less employable?  I enjoy saying all the fucking curse words sometimes.  Does that make me unprofessional?

My personal Facebook page is not public.  I make it a point to not friend my co-workers.  My Dorkabetic Facebook page is all about my blog and diabetes.  My Twitter account is public but I try not to be nasty or overly controversial.

I guess what I'm getting at is this--at the same time, I am my blogger persona, and I am not. 

Am I enthusiastic about healthcare communications?  Do I love helping others with diabetes?  Absolutely!

Am I defined exclusively by being a diabetes blogger?  I hope not.

Does my diabetes make me any less employable?  It shouldn't. 

I don't think one blog, or one Twitter account, or one Facebook page can or should account for the very three-dimensional aspects of someone as a person. 

Sometimes I am afraid that using my blog in my resume or as part of my writing portfolio is a bad idea.  I have wrestled with the fact that I use my real name.  I worry that I could be pigeonholed as a diabetes writer.  

But why do I stick with Dorkabetic?  Why do I love writing here?  Why did I make up all those business cards to hopefully bring people to my site?  It helps me stay sane.  It helps other people by sharing experiences.  It allows me to stretch my writing skills beyond the daily drudgery of emails and memos. 

I love being a diabetes blogger.  Even though I may not update as regularly as some folks, I am always here.  This is my voice in this community.   My continued hope is that by always using my voice and my honesty, my next great opportunity will be something really special.

No D-Day 2012: About the Author

What better way to NOT talk about diabetes than to tell you a bunch of random facts you may or may not know about me, Hannah, the person!  Twenty things about me.  Enjoy.

Thank you to my favorite Ninjabetic, George, for creating this event. Click through for more posts from diabetes bloggers that have absolutely  nothing to do with diabetes, because we are all so much more than chronic illness!

1.)  Yesterday (September 30) was my wedding anniversary.  Happy 6 years, Matt!

2.)  When I was a baby, lullabies made me cry.  My mom would have to sing "Buffalo Gals" or "Camptown Races" instead.

3.)  I met Matthew Caws from the band Nada Surf when I was wearing one of their t-shirts.  I was in Newark, Delaware at the time, and he crossed the street to say hello to me.  It was really nice, though at first I was not sure who I was talking to...though I did think he was pretty cute.

4.)  I am very much into anything with owls.  This guy hangs out on my bed.  His name is Sherman. He is comfortable enough in his owl-pillow masculinity to be pink.

5.)  If you think adding an apostrophe-S to a word makes it plural, I am totally judging you.  Two owl's sat on a tree branch.  Red car's are sporty.  NO NO NO.  Owls.  Cars.  Nothing here is belonging to an owl or a car!

6.)  I think lima beans are gross.  I am also not a fan of peas, but they are tolerable, especially if an ingredient in another dish.

7.)  I'm a natural blonde.  Although I've been a redhead for a decent amount of time in the past year.

8.)  I have a separate personal Twitter account. 

9.)  When I am feeling particularly blue, pictures of baby animals make me feel better. 

10.)  I'm still not entirely sure if I want kids. 

11.)  I write poetry, and I love competing in poetry slams. 

12.)  I wish I could wear high heels without my feet killing me.

13.)  I'm pretty sure there are some things about me which might shock or slightly offend my readership, therefore they are not for discussion here.

14.)  With that being said, if I'd ever get involved in a burlesque act (which I haven't), I have a couple of songs picked out.

15.)  I'd like to have a steampunk outfit. 

16.)  I love dance parties, but most especially if they are 80s themed.

17.)  In the past few years, I have fallen in love with Doctor Who. (At least reboot-onward Who.  I haven't watched any of the more classic episodes.  Also, Chris Eccleston doesn't get enough credit for being a decent Doctor, btw.) 

18.)  I am proud to have never seen an entire episode of Jersey Shore.  Clips airing on The Soup totally don't count.

19.)  I don't know who I will be for Halloween this year, though I do have a good party to attend on the 27th.

20.)  Fall is my favorite season, and I'm glad it's here.  My only complaint about it is that it's dark when I have to get up early.

Self-Portrait Saturday: Blogging Blonde

My time as a redhead is over for now.  It was fun while it lasted!

Happiness: deal with it, okay?

I realized that for being such a happy, optimistic, perky person, I am often my own worst critic.  I am a harsh judge of myself.  I am guilty of worrying about what others think of me, sometimes constantly.  Lately, it can be pretty easy to fall into a trap I've set for myself, ending up overly self-critical and generally down on myself.  I have a tendency to let comments and good things slip my mind if I'm having a bad week/month/year.

That is, um, if it's okay with you.

For example, I can't help but think that last year (2011) was a bunch of crap.  A lot of bad things happened.  There was a lot of stress.  Yet, through all that, I managed to have another awesome year of marriage.  I had a poetry feature in another state in which I also led workshops for school-age kids.  I had a poetry feature at my home venue in Philadelphia.  I did a lot of dancing.  I sang more karaoke than I have since my senior year of college.  I went to my first drag show.  I stepped in as secretary of the poetry slam.  I was published in two different literary magazines online.  I kept up this blog, despite feeling overwhelmed sometimes.  I stuck with my job, even through the frustrating days.  I bought a Dexcom.  I took a chance and dyed my hair red.  I went to a few really awesome events all by myself and had a great time.  I met some cool people and had some great experiences.

See?  I am a happy person from day to day, for the most part.  I sometimes feel like I don't show that to myself often enough, if that makes any sense.  I can say I'm fine, I will tell you everything is great, but on the inside it may be a different story sometimes.

It's so easy to get hung up on the negative, the disappointing, the discouraging, the bad news.  I am so guilty of it lately.  It's hard not to when bedbugs are causing stress at home, when my job is less-than-cool, or when diabetes is making me feel like garbage.  I have a friend who says when you are feeling down, you should write a list of 36 things you are grateful for, happy about, thankful for.  So here are some things that are happy in my life, just to remind me that in the grand scheme of things, I'm okay.

I have some truly incredible relationships in my life.  I have an amazing, supportive husband.  I have a supportive, loving family.  I have friends who treat me like I'm family.  Despite almost 22 years with diabetes, I have yet to experience anything more than the most minor of complications.   I can afford to work, eat and play.  I've held the same job for over four years now.  I am a blogger with over 60K page views and over 1000 followers on Twitter.  I know how to take a decent picture.  I have a pretty good eye for design.  I've got great love in my life.  I can make people laugh.  I was the only woman to compete in semi-finals this year for the Philly National Poetry Slam team. Even at 30, I have a pretty ridiculous imagination.  I've got great support out in the DOC.  I have people who believe in me and what I'm capable of.

So I just have to deal with it.  I've got plenty to be happy about, even when that little self-doubting voice in my head is trying to tell me otherwise.  Happiness is here, I just have to remember to look for it first, before I see the negative.  Just deal with it, Hannah.  

Self-Portrait Saturday: Coming at You in 3D!

Thank you, dollar store, for the ridiculousness.  My pal Harper is now wearing these as sunglasses because they make him think of David Tennant.  Some of you will even understand what that means! (Way to know your pop culture, fellow dorks.)

2012: I Have New Resolve

In my free time, I like playing around with art supplies and crafts.  This is a fact I forget far too often.  Last summer, a friend of mine led a watercolor workshop, and it was so relaxing, liberating in some small way to let that paintbrush draw wavy lines, leaves, a wash of color in the background.

Writing is the art I am most passionate about, the one where I will scrutinize every punctuation mark and word choice.  I might not let you see a poem if it's not finished.  If you look over my shoulder while I doodle, I may be distracted, but I'm never really ashamed.  I'm just having fun, so if the outcome is good, that's great.  If it's not, great.  I can always start over with a fresh sheet of paper. 

2011 was a year of ups and downs with a relatively negative undercurrent.  This is a fact I almost missed until a couple of weeks ago when I started reflecting on my year.  Too often, I kept coming back to things I should have done.  There were too many moments in my mind of, "Why didn't I...?" and "I really wish I had..." and "There was no reason for [xyz thing] to happen/not happen except for me."  While standing on the precipice of thirty, twenty-nine looked so daunting.  Sure, I may have climbed a mountain, but standing near the top doesn't feel so great when all you can see are the jagged rocks below. 

Over the holidays, there was a moment of clarity.  Sitting in my mother-in-law's dining room, I was drawing with a new set of Prismacolor markers I'd received, just making patterns, figuring out what colors were in my set.  Her husband's granddaughter (my...step-niece?  Is that a thing?) plopped down next to me with a pen, a notebook and a bag of crayons.

"Whatcha drawin'?" she asked me.

"I'm not really sure yet," I replied.  "It's been a long time since I drew anything."

"Draw a dog!" she suggested.

"Well, I'll give it a try," I told her.  "I don't think I've ever drawn a dog before."  I squinted at the paper and frowned and sighed.  I took a deep breath, thinking This isn't going to be that great.  This kid is probably expecting some professionally-drawn cartoon character.  I'm just not that good.

I slowly made a cartoony head with some Snoopy-ish ears.  I drew some eyes, a nose, started drawing some spots and a tail.  The feet were kind of a mess, but they were clearly paws.

"That's really good!" she said. "My mom draws a dog and it looks funny."

And it hit me a few days later.  Every time I'm down on myself, every time I think that something in 2011 was a terrible loss, something I did will never be good enough, something I write will never get recognized, anything like that, what I need to do is look at it through new eyes.  Yeah, a lot of bad stuff happened last year.  But there was a lot of good.  And so much of the bad can be changed by just working on myself or by having a little confidence in my abilities.

Much like making art for fun, I will always be my own worst critic.  In 2012, I hope that I can remember to strive for something beyond myself.  Less negative self-talk this year.  Maybe a little bit more of tooting my own horn.  Just a bit.