Friday, January 27, 2012

Honest O'Clock on Friday

My pal Mike has this concept that he introduced me to several years ago.  He says that at every party, after all the initial fun is starting to wear off, when the levels of drunkenness are starting to run high, when people are starting to get to that moment where they are at their most raw, it becomes Honest O'Clock.

It's the time when you are likely to tell your friends about something you adore or despise about them.  It's when real, often ugly, truths come out.  It is wise for most party guests to start leaving after Honest O'Clock.

So it's been a little while since I wrote a blog post, and it feels like it's Honest O'Clock here, dear readers.  I want to blog.  I want to blog more.  I want to write, and it's just not coming out right now.  In fact, a lot of things that I want to do right now aren't getting done.

I'm stressed.  I'm depressed.  I'm pretty serious about finding myself a therapist, probably in the next week.

Writing is one of my favorite hobbies.  It's something I still hope I can translate into a new career one day.  Right now, I can barely do any of it.  I'll be honest and say recently, it's been tough trying to be my own fan, trying to support what still makes me happy, trying to remember that (hey, Clairol), I'm worth it.  You know what?  People seem to think that all poets are depressed, and that's why their poetry is good.  When this poet is depressed, she writes no poetry.  That's even sadder than depression itself!

I want to dance and do arts & crafts and enjoy life again.  Every day.  Believe me, I am still hanging in there, I am still doing okay.  I went to an excellent concert last weekend.  I've got two events tonight I'm looking forward to.  I am excited for the CWD Focus on Technology in a few weeks.  I just want there to be fewer days in between the fun stuff where I don't feel like leaving my house.  I want there to be more days where I feel like I'm not floating through my workday, having difficulty remembering what to work on. 

I've talked about my depression here before, briefly.  Honestly, if you read that post, this may all sound like nothing new, except I am less than a month away from turning 30.  I have some help already in the form of medication, but I am at the point where whatever is troubling me is more than an imbalance of brain chemicals. 

I want to start feeling better so I can get this blog back into shape.  So I can get my career back into shape.  So I can write some damn poetry.  So I can be 100% me again.  I'm pretty sure depression is 100% cureable, just like diabetes. (See what I did there?  With the joking?  OMG Google will surely put me under listings for depression cures now.)

It's just the feeling that something is very wrong.  It's time to make it right. 

Do you struggle with mental health?  Got any tips for finding a therapist?  Let's talk and share.  There's no shame to be had here.  Let's get honest, because really?  When you look back on the party, you should remember the fun stuff.  Honest O'Clock is over for now.


  1. Stephanie12:54 PM

    I've battled Seasonal Affective Disorder for going on a decade (I'm 30), so I know what you are going through. It sucks. My husband finally asked me to get some help because he missed his friend. They put me on meds and told me to try and make sure I was in the sun, exercise when I feel up to it (which, really, when is that EVER gonna happen!), and make sure to take plenty of vitamin D. Now, that may not be the case for you. But go to your insurance provider and look up therapists. Read their bios, get a feel for them and narrow the field down. Then call and ask if you can set up an appt and talk to them. If you don't feel like they are understanding what you need, or you just aren't gelling, go to a different one. Nothing says you have to go to the first one you pick. And just realize; it will take time. Hope it all works out for you.

  2. I can't wait to see you at the CWD Tech weekend so we can celebrate your birthday and your honesty. xoxo to you, Hannah.

  3. Anonymous1:45 PM

    I keep a gratitude journal, I only write about the graces in life a nd I everyday even if its just 5 minutes. Medical issue that are beyond a persons contol brings a heavy burden. I wish you well!

  4. You know I've been down the road many many times (and have been experiencing an epic heightened anxiety/depressive cycle since Christmas).

    I don't have good advice about therapists - only that you should try to find one that's covered by insurance and who makes you comfortable enough to open up.

  5. I've blogged about my struggles with depression - tweet me @rpederse if you'd like links. I've been struggling in recent months, and I've also been struggling to blog. Only over the last few days am I starting to get some ideas. Best of luck on the therapist hunt.

  6. All I can say is that I applaud your honesty honey. And I can't wait to see you at CWD and for you to meet Grace! Love to you.

  7. Hang in there and don't procrastinate on getting the therapist. It really does help.

  8. Use this "down-time" to write some poetry. Or at least take notes. Personally, I do my best writing when I'm on the down-swing.

    When things are a bit more..."together" I tend to be too busy to really write. When I'm walking around like there are oil wells pumping in my living room, I'm out with friends and I'm doing videos and making plans.

    I hate to say it, but this time is valuable too. It's part of you.

    If you need an ear, don't hesitate to email, Hannah.

    With love!

  9. oh hannah, i hear you. i finally got to the point where i was ready to ask for help only a few months ago.

    know that you are loved, and we'll all got your back. like bob said, tweet me anytime (@JessMeandD).

    you can do this! <3

  10. I think one of the things I love most about you is your honesty! I can't wait to see you at CWD and celebrate and celebrate all the wonderfulness that is you!
    I know that your struggling right now and talking with someone absolutely helps!

  11. Anonymous10:39 PM

    Anybody who is a Type I diabetic and hasn't experienced depression is CRAZY (or just in denial). As much as I hate to say it depression is one of those things that comes along naturally with diabetes (just like kidney disease, neuropathy, etc.). What normal person can reasonably deal with a disease that never lets up, is there every time you turn around, and carries with it horrible repercussions? You are not alone! Kristi


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