Maybe it's like the difference between a nasty flu that lasts for a week and having a chronic illness.
There's a lot that feels like it hasn't gone right for me all year this year, and let's face it, there's not THAT much left of 2012. My current focus is to just get somewhere. My home is so close to being back to normal after the bedbugs and the continuing aftermath. I'm still seeing my therapist, trying to read more books, trying to take time to be mindful of everything. Despite my best efforts, there are still many times I feel like I'm standing on one leg and a kickstand.
I finally saw The Dark Knight Rises over the weekend. (I'll try not to spoil much here.) In part of the story, Bruce Wayne is taken to a terrible prison at the bottom of a pit. The prisoners have the option to climb out and escape their prison, but every time someone tries, they fall. No one ever makes it--they live out their lives in toil and despair at the bottom of this pit. Of course, Bruce Wayne is the goddamn Batman, and he's determined to escape so his beloved city does not collapse at the hands of evildoers. He trains through the agony of a broken back and makes multiple attempts to leave the pit. What drives him to succeed? Being the goddamn Batman. Being the hero. Being the one who can stand up for Gotham City.
There are times when I feel like I'm stuck in some pit of despair. I could try to climb out, but that seems just as exhausting as being stuck at the bottom. I think it's just my time to go for it, without the stupid rope. Commissioner Gordon isn't necessarily looking for me up there, because I'm not a vigilante hero.
But I'm an awesome person. I am creative, intelligent, friendly, loving, and totally capable of all kinds of greatness. There is nothing worse than knowing you are a rockstar but not believing it anymore.
Do you have any tips for banishing negativity from your mind? How do you get yourself out of a funk? Once you start working on improving something about yourself, what's the best way to keep it up?
words cannot describe how much i love this post.
ReplyDeletei feel stuck in the pit right now too. i don't have any brilliant words of advice. but thank you for reminding me that i'm not in the pit alone. we're all in this together, cheering for each other when someone starts climbing up.
we will rise.
"There is nothing worse than knowing you are a rockstar but not believing it anymore."
ReplyDeleteSpoken like a true rockstar!
Getting unstuck can be hard, but you can do it. Just don't stop trying and keep doing and being and becoming. You are such an amazing piece of unique and individual art my friend - Don't forget that!!
ReplyDeleteXoxo
You are such a freaking rockstar!!! And I do not lie so...
ReplyDeleteHannah, the whole notion of despair is normal for any person living with any chronic disease. It comes with the territory. My experience has been to acknowledge that and to allow myself some period where I can just wallow in those feelings and not worry too much about the other stuff including self-care (just make sure you don't let yourself go hypo or DKA in the process!). I find what allows me get unstuck is to pick a date (any random date maybe a week or 2 from when I pick it) after which I say, that's it. Until that happens, there can be no self-judgement of how good or bad the numbers are, but I can allow myself to respond (so if I'm 34 or 340, I can respond accordingly with sugar or insulin, but not blaming myself for it, only blaming the d). The same applies for feelings about anything else (maybe I'll just watch old reruns on TV or buy some new music on iTunes), but after that random date, then I can do the whole "what caused this to happen" analysis. That will be the "new day". I find that giving myself that kind of break frees me to care for my mental health properly. I don't know if that will help you, but maybe its worth a try? Remember, you're always a rockstar!
ReplyDeleteYou are a goddamn Rockstar Hannah McD.
ReplyDeleteOne little step at a time, you can make it out of the pit.