Saturday, December 13, 2008

Scattered and Low

I can't seem to find my thoughts these days. I am not really sure where they're going, but obviously they have not been going here. I really wish they would, but lately my time has just been kind of draining.

There is stress at work, stress at home, stress with my family. I feel like I'm in over my head. I'm no stranger to depression, and I am familiar with the symptoms of more-than-average anxiety. I think I am swinging back in the direction of needing medication again so I can deal with all of this. I have been having a lot of trouble focusing lately, especially on work and on diabetes management. I'm forgetting to finish assignments I've started. I'm forgetting to bolus. I'm forgetting to attend to the lists I make for myself, and I have no motivation to even take 5 seconds out of my day to test my blood sugar.

Yes, taking care of one's self, either with or without diabetes, can be an uphill battle somedays. I acknowledge that my life should not be a cakewalk, and that yes, it is perfectly normal to be stressed out about things and occasionally somewhat anxious. I just feel like too much of my time lately is spent being forgetful, drifty, sad, apathetic, drained, hurt and empty.

It's time to talk to a doctor about this, and I figure my endocrinologist's office is a good place to start, especially since I think this non-lifting funk is really messing up my A1C, among other things. In the meantime, that appointment won't be until January 23rd, so I need to find some at-home ways to tough this out for a month.

Despite all my emotional crap, I am having an excellent holiday season so far. Matt and I are both kicking butt at our jobs. My boss even wants to send me out to Financial Aid training in the near future so I can assist the students at our university even more, which is a big investment in this sometimes-absent-minded office assistant who has trouble getting the filing system organized. My friends are still super-fantastic. My car is still running. And tonight, I will be dressing up in this little number:

to attend Matt's holiday party for work. Food and booze on the company dime with Matt's fun work friends? Yes, please! It'll be so much more fun than last year now that we both know Matt's co-workers a lot better. And yes, we've been invited to the after-party. Among we dorks, that is a big deal. (FYI...this party will be filled with dorky engineers, so all mayhem and merrymaking will be done with a heaping helping of logic and brains. Note to any zombies reading this blog: no, the brains are not for eating.)

I am hoping that my overall mental state improves greatly soon. But we are all pretty familiar with the connection between diabetes and depression. I am going to work hard to get back to blogging with regularity. I miss you guys, and sometimes a girl just needs to vent to the entire internet. Hope you all have a great weekend.


  1. What a cute dress! I hope you both have a nice time at the parties.

  2. Anonymous8:23 PM

    Hannah I know that depression you write about those of us with the big D know it too well...I have named it the valley. Through the years I have learned to con myself into believing I'll only stop here a little while and will return to the hillside soon. One trick that has worked is to pay attention to the little things like straightening out my linens or my underwear dawer or something small and mundane that doesn't require any real thinking or taking a walk to nowhere...try it.

  3. Hey Hannah,

    I hear you. I am glad that you recognize that you want some help with it. That is a very important first step (that doesn't always happen, ya know?).

    The party sounds fabulous, and I'm sure you'll have a blast.

    We're all thinking of you and waiting on the other side of the river bank with our hand outstretched to you for when you're ready for it.

  4. Anonymous2:35 AM

    I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



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