I think I'm forgetting something.

I should shower.

I should go to bed.

I should stop fretting over my appointment with Nancy the Nurse Practitioner tomorrow (today? later this morning? It's 2am here!). Quite frankly, I'm very fond of Nancy the NP. I haven't done everything she's asked me to do exactly, but I'm doing better. I'm no longer ignoring things. I'm trying to take all my additional medications (besides insulin) with regularity.

But I didn't go for my lab work. I've got this cold/virus thing going on, and I was worried it would mess up my lab results. Sure, I could have gotten them done last week before I got sick, but I was worrying about going home for Thanksgiving. I don't think Nancy the NP will be upset, but I'll be a little disappointed that I don't have all the info for her.

Definite questions on my mind for her:

1. Is that blood test for my liver function? Why are you checking that?

2. Is there anything I can do about these obnoxious swollen ankles?

3. Can I get in to see a dietician soon? I have no guidelines for what to put in my stomach. Seriously, the last time I saw an RD was when I got my first insulin pump over five years ago. I had just turned 18, so obviously my metabolism is a little different now that I'm 24.

4. And what's this hyperlipidemia you say I have? You didn't mention it last time, but you checked it off on my lab/upcoming appointment sheet. Argh!

I'm sure Nancy the NP will be able to explain everything, because she's good like that. I just always get anxious before doctor's appointments. This is why I want to be in control. I want to stop fearing that I'll hear the words I really don't want to hear.

Sigh. Shower. Then sleep. Yes.

Guh. Sick again.

I was feeling poorly today. High BS's all over the place.

However, we now have apples, which make me happy.

My husband and my roommate are now trying to beat each other at Geometry Wars for XBox 360.

I am completely awake. Well, sort of. Another night of Nyquil caplets for me. I want to meet up with my gym-going friend, but I may take a day off from working out tomorrow. I think sickness + workouts = Slightly Woozy Hannah. No fun.

This post is completely random, and I have to admit I don't have a real point for posting this at all.

Soooo...tell me something I don't know about you. It'll make for some interesting reading!

Give Thanks, ya'll.

I'm thankful for...

--Health Insurance. No matter how many months I'll have to dish out that hefty COBRA payment, in the long run, I know I'm saving money on test strips, insulin, pump supplies and a whole cabinet full of pills. It's a crappy industry which I believe is badly in need of reform, but thankfully it helps some of us.

--My husband. This man does it all. He writes poetry, builds robots, studies hard, cooks, plays guitar, and gives the world's best footrubs. He will also get out of bed in the middle of the night to get me my testing kit, and then either a glass of water (for highs) or a glass of juice (for lows).

--Artificial sweeteners. Last week I bought sugar-free chocolate syrup at the grocery store. Everywhere I go these days, I keep seeing the kinds of products I used to dream of when I was a kid. Hershey's sugar-free candy. Frappucinos with Splenda. Low-carb Slim Fast, since I have been skipping breakfast lately. I know that everything I eat doesn't NEED to be sugar-free, but more choices are always good, and anything that keeps the "diabetes police" (aka my relatives) off my back while tasting delicious is always appreciated.

--Seeing a low blood sugar not once or twice, but three times in the past couple of weeks. I know it's not fun, but when you haven't seen a double-digit blood sugar in months, and you're just starting again on Metformin, this feels like relief might be in sight.

--Nurse practitioners. My favorite NP's name is Nancy. She's an outgoing, boisterous lady who I feel completely comfortable talking to. She's the first person in a while who seems to be taking a comprehensive look at what's raising my blood sugars. (Such as maybe PCOS, depression, maybe even my liver? Is that what she could be testing my liver enzymes for? I get that done with next week's bloodwork...)

--My insulin pump. It's like they invented it with holidays in mind. Sleep in? No problem. Too much stuffing and mashed potatoes? There's a bolus for that. Oh, and now you're bringing out the pie? Bolus again. Turkey-induced-super-tyrptophan naptime? It's got me covered. Woo!

--The OC. I'm not talking about Rachel Bilson. I'm talking about you out there. You gave me a reason to start all this, and you're giving me a reason to keep it up. I think I'm learning more about myself that I thought imaginable, and I already keep another online journal! Good work!


I hope everybody has a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Matt and I will be making the nearly 4-hour drive to Pennsylvania today. This year, at one of the four family gatherings we'll attend, I won't be the only diabetic. Matt's mom's boyfriend has it, too. Type 1 or 2? I don't know, but you know your husband's mom is dating a diabetic when you open her fridge to get a soda and you see Novo-Pens and a vial of Lantus.

Love and low-sugar pies to you and yours!

An Exercise in....Exercise

I feel like I should get some kind of award because I've made it to the gym for two days in a row after nearly 3 months of not going.

My secret? A friend! Working out is so much better when you don't have to do it alone. Now, granted, my gym-going friend ended up not making it yesterday due to what she dubbed "a crisis" (which really WAS a crappy situation), but the woman watching the circuit yesterday at Curves was very chatty. Very sweet, but I must admit I was distracted by her femme-mullet hairdo.

[Sidenote: Attention hairdos! The 80's are over, at least from a bad haircut perspective!]

Yes, I am one of those thousands (millions?) of American women with a Curves membership. I'm not out to endorse products or services on this blog, but I will talk about the things I use and the things I really like. I'm round in the middle, squishy in places I shouldn't necessarily be. I am no means an athlete...I was always next-to-last to be picked in gym class. I like going to a gym where people are friendly, where I don't have to wonder if guys are staring at my boobs while I jog in place, and where I'm not ignored by a trainer because I'm not already buff.

Generally, I hate working out, but going to a circuit-training-type place where everyone is encouraged to have fun, be social, and get healthy seems like a great solution for a Gym-o-Phobe like me. Plus, now I have a gym buddy. We had the diabetes talk today, and I told her a little about Type 1, and she's got a family history of Type 2 (her mom, her grandma, possibly a sister as well).

I am rewarding myself for going to the gym by going to the mall. I've got a Bath and Body Works coupon burning a hole in my pocket, plus I need to get two birthday cards. One for my fabulous friend CJ, who never let me even smell candy wrappers when we were in middle school, but always made sure her parents bought diet sodas for me, and one for my grandfather, who I believe is turning 83 on Saturday. Maybe it's 84? The only reason I don't know is because he's still pretty spry for his age, even after prostate and colon cancer.

I have so much to be thankful for, but I figure I'll post about that tomorrow. I need a shower and then I'm going shopping!

Oh, and over at Orsa Aetas, Mel has an entry from last Friday (11/7) regarding a Diabetes OC "Biggest Loser"-type challenge. I suggest leaving a comment if you'd be up for it. Then, it's on like Michelle Kwan!! (My apologies to the fine Adult Swim program "Squidbillies".)

It's just Swell.

Dear Ankles,

I know you were never all that skinny to begin with, but really, I miss seeing you. All it takes is for me to be awake for more than an hour, walking around or standing in the shower, and you start to balloon. I want you to know I'm really tired of this crap. All you do is make me nervous.

I hope you're happy. You've got me paranoid that neuropathy is trying to sneak in.

Lucky for me, my sensation tests are always good. I don't have any pain.

Unlucky for me, it's difficult to buy shoes because you're constantly inflated. The endo blames it on me needing to lose weight and also that I take a LOT of insulin.

But honestly, my dear dogs, I would appreciate a day off now and then. I miss seeing my lil anklebones, and don't you think it's time they had some fresh air?

Love,
Hannah

Happy D-Blog Day, a Couple Hours Belated

I am puzzled. Today I had a BG reading of 94 before dinner time. I'm not even sure what did it. Maybe it was the moderately low-carb lunch I ate? It feels like months since I've been under 180, so much so that when my BG is normal, say 115, I feel low. I don't know what I did right today, though I felt a little shaky.

I puzzled and puzzled until my puzzler was through. I am convinced it was a reminder that the 9th was D-Blog day, which I had been thinking about all week, and then I ended up missing it by a couple of hours. I suppose there's some way to backdate these posts, but why bother?

I started my D-Blog day with a job interview for a seasonal position. I then had a relaxing lunch with my husband, talked to my mother on the phone for an hour and a half, then did nothing for the rest of the day.

Scratch that. I started my D-Blog day when I woke up as Matt dressed to go to school/the lab, and my heart was racing. Maybe this was a premonition because deep down I knew Matt's car had been towed from the apartment lot last night so I'd have to get out of bed and throw some clothes on to drive him to campus. Then again, maybe this was just a side affect of the Wellbutrin I've been put on. I have decided no more taking Wellbutrin and Altace at the same time, and no Wellbutrin before bed. Between that and a high bedtime blood sugar, I slept terribly.

I giggled to myself a bit yesterday, wondering if I was a double-D or a triple-D. I've read discussions of the so-called "double diabetes", where you're type 1 AND insulin resistant, and I wonder if this is me. I'm taking Metformin while I'm pumping. My endo seems to think this will help...she has also suggested that maybe I have PCOS as well, but she hasn't really made any efforts to actually look at my ovaries. (Not that PCOS always comes with cysts....)

But thinking if I have double diabetes, I'm a double-D. Or if I have diabetes and depression, I'm a double-D. If I have all of the above, I'm a triple-D, but folks, this is not the entry where I actually reveal my cup size. That's for my husband to know, and for me to tell you when I'm really loopy on anti-depressants, or after I've had a couple glasses of wine.

I love having the freedom to post like this. D-Bloggers are some of the sweetest folks I've encountered on the 'net. NO PUN INTENDED.

I hope that through all the zany stories I can tell about helping myself, I can help somebody else out there. I think that's been my intent all along. My chronic condition and I are now on speaking (and writing) terms. I hope that by finally paying attention, we can learn something about each other.

Hopefully, within the year, I'll still be keeping this blog up, and hopefully, maybe within the year, maybe not, I can see an A1c below 8%. Because it's been a while, and unfortunately, there are only so many words I can write, and they won't make me normal again.

I've Been Tagged!

George from The B.A.D. Blog tagged me for a meme! I feel loved and lazy because I didn't notice this until today. Haha. Things in my foggy brain are looking up. I have a job interview for a seasonal job on Thursday, a brand new prescription for Wellbutrin, and a fun new toy in my new OneTouch UltraSmart meter. The software just came this week. I can't wait to graph, because I am a nerd.

So the purpose of this meme is to list 5 random facts you may not know about me. I'm sure there's a lot you don't know about me, so this is probably a good place to start!

1. I love proofreading. Honestly, I get a great amount of joy sitting down with a paper, a poem, a manuscript, or a story and just writing all over it with red pen. This is the main reason why I never wanted to be an English teacher. I didn't want to end up with students who hated me. I got into a fight with a high school friend when he asked me to edit a homework assignment, and I gave it back to him covered in marks. He insisted he misspelled everything on purpose. It was artistic! How could I do that to him?! Oddly enough, I worry that as much as I like to edit, my own grammar may need some polishing. Hmmm.

2. My first high school boyfriend called me his "Diabetic Angel", and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

3. I think Anderson Cooper from CNN is attractive. What's funnier than that is my husband agrees with me. I would also make out with Stephen Colbert.

4. When I was working, one of the best feelings in the world was when I would go to a punk or a hardcore show right after work. There's nothing like standing in a room with a bunch of dirty Delaware scenester kids while wearing a button down shirt and black dress pants, rocking out to a Transistor Transistor song.

5. I've always wanted to write a novel. Unfortunately, I have no idea what it would be about or if I could even carry a story for that many pages. I have also just realized I haven't written a short story in a few years. I can't wait until I get a new computer. I hope to write up a storm.

I'm supposed to tag 5 other people to do this, but I'm going to do it Quaker Meeting style. If the spirit moves you to post this meme in your own blog, go ahead. (But please let me know if you do with a comment here...I wanna read 'em!)

On an unrelated note...how do you start a blog roll? (Kerri? George? Anybody?) I want to start reading more blogs, and I'd like my blog to be a gateway to more of the community. How can I make this possible? Help!

Until next time, take care of yourselves and take some time to nap if you need it. I know I need a nap. *yawn* Of course, I'm sick. But that's another story.

Unemployed and Uninspired

The highs are high, and I'm not talking about blood sugars here, at least not yet. When I'm happy, I'm fine. I had a great job interview last week, and I was living off the high of that for a day and a half. However, I know it's really going to hurt if it doesn't come through. I've been doing okay for the past couple of days, for the most part, but I really dread the lows. When I get sad lately, it's not pretty. At least not for me, anyway. It's the urge to hide under the covers until Matt comes home from school to tell me everything will be okay, and the hour or so it will take after that for me to believe him.

It's the acidic thoughts that keep telling me that maybe I'm not as smart/pretty/creative/responsible as I think I am. When I do something wrong, I beat myself up over it these days.

I know this isn't who I am.

I think my other d-companion is returning for me. As if diabetes isn't enough, along comes depression. Again. I haven't really been able to write because the motivation just isn't there, and that's scary to me. Writing is my passion. I also love reading, and I haven't been able to latch on to a good book for more than 5 pages at a time in months. I have the time, I just can't seem to get my brain to be still long enough to involve myself in those 30-pages-at-a-time sittings that used to happen constantly.

I'm off to see one of my endo's CNPs today. Maybe she can prescribe something. Maybe she can send me to someone who can help. I know how I've been feeling has affected how I've been taking care of myself lately. I've missed boluses for meals; I've been avoiding checking my blood sugars.

I hope I find a sympathetic ear and some answers. I'm tired of beating up on myself. I think I'm starting to bruise.

I wish I could say I've been busy.

Quick update...within a week, I get my FREE UltraSmart meter. Sadly, it won't beam numbers directly to my pump, and honestly, I don't really NEED it, but I've never been too impressed with the BD Logic/Paradigm Link.

It works, and I haven't had any problems with it, but it's nothing special, and it's memory is pretty small. For someone who never writes numbers down, I need something with a biiiig memory.

If you have a BD Logic, I recommend going to Lifescan.com and calling their customer service number to get a free meter. Everybody could use a backup. Or if you already have a backup, maybe you can find a way to donate the nice new meter to a needy family for the holidays? They're giving away One Touch Ultra 2 and UltraSmart meters, without hassle.

As for life, it's not so much that it's really busy, it's just that my frame of mind has taken a bit of a dive these days. I am heavily weighing the notion that I am getting depressed again, wondering if I should pop one of those leftover Lexapros that I've had in the medicine cabinet for almost a year now. My blood sugars are high. My motivation is low. I don't feel like my head is on straight, and I definitely don't feel good about myself because NO ONE HAS CALLED ME about any of the jobs I've applied for. Plus, I think I need to put my car in the garage--it's been overheating slightly.

Free things make me happy, but I definitely just want to stop feeling generally sad.

Wah wah waahhh emo crap wah.

Free is as free does.

BD is apparently not going to make meters anymore.

I am in no means in love with my glucose meter, but it is nice that it beams results directly to my pump.

However, other BG meter companies are offering free meters to people with BD meters who want to switch. Does anybody have a clue if this would involve a trade-in of the BD monitor? I don't really want to give it up if I can't find something that I prefer. I feel that the BD Paradigm Link I have is okay, but I'm really curious about the OneTouch Ultra2 and UltraSmart, as well as the itty-bitty sample size and no coding that goes with the Acensia Contour.

Tomorrow I may call up both companies and see what the deal is. I'd love to have mulitple meters to do multiple comparisons. I'll post whatever feedback I get from the two companies.

In the meantime, the insurance un-sureness (say that 5 times fast!) rages on. I have to call my former employer, because I'm not sure if I need to pay them for COBRA coverage, or if I need to call the insurance company and pay the insurance people. My former employer sent me a letter, which I promptly managed to misplace. I am in the midst of a post-wedding cleaning/redecorating spree, but if I don't find it by tonight, I should call somebody tomorrow. It's just a matter of knowing who to call.

Who is that? I still don't really know. I've also misplaced 2 prescriptions and the appointment sheet that says when I'm supposed to go meet with a dietician to reassess my meal plans. Ugh, phone calls galore tomorrow. I'm not exactly excited about this.

How are things with you?

Mrs. You and Me

I'm a married woman now!

I'd love to tell you more about it, but my day is going to be busy. Gotta get my name changed at the Social Security office, gotta go get a new Drivers' License, gotta return Matt's tux (which apparently they wanted back yesterday so now we're being charged extra...grrr).

I keep looking at my left hand. I keep wondering how the heck I'm supposed to fit all these new housewares into my kitchen.

I also keep putting off call my endo's office. I missed an appointment with the nurse practicioner last week to prepare for wedding stuff and a job interview. I think they'll understand. Now that one big stressor is out of my life, maybe I can go back to focusing on my diabetes. And getting a job. And cleaning this apartment.

I've got more to say. It'll just have to wait until I've accomplished a bunch of other stuff.

I'm Getting Married!

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday! Woo!

I am finally at a point where I can be excited about this instead of stressed out over the planning aspects. Now I can focus on the fun stuff, the heavy stuff...putting together CDs of music, writing out some vows (I do my best writing at the last minute!), making sure my friends all know where they're going/what to do when they get there. I've got a friend taking pictures; I've got one doing hair (possibly two). I have to ask one of the groomsmen if he wants to play DJ at the reception, switching the CDs and making announcements if they need to be made.

Oh crap, I just realized I was going to go get my engagement ring cleaned today so it would be extra shiny and sparkly. I'm sure someone besides me will be admiring my finger. No matter how fierce, how independent I am, I'm just a girly-girl on the inside. Here's hoping the high heels don't end up hurting my feet and the pantyhose end up fitting properly. Here's hoping for good hair and NOT catching Matt's cold. Here's to wherever ol' Pumperiffic ends up stashed in my dress.

After it's over, it'll be back to the full-time new job search. Possibly maybe even some volunteering at the local JDRF office. I figure the more I get involved with people who's lives have been touched by diabetes, the easier it will be to take care of myself. I'm trying to find my support system.

Also, tomorrow morning I have a job interview. I don't really know how I feel about it since it's the same line of work I was just let go from, but they saw my resume online and called me. I can't really say no to someone who thought I might be talented enough to do a job that might even be a level above what I was doing before. I've at least got a fabulous outfit picked out.

Even if this job turns out to be crap, or they're not interested in me, it's all going to be okay. I've got major amounts of love in my life, and that's really what matters.

I think I'll go practice signing my name with his last name. Awwww.

Boo hisssss.

Putting off those thoughts of good control for a couple of days. I need some time to sort of be in a funk so that I can move on faster. I predict some excess snacking, maybe a drink or two...

I lost my job on Monday.

Now, granted, it wasn't really getting fired. I hadn't done anything wrong. It was just one of those things that "wasn't working out" for the company. They knew I was working hard, and they liked me. I guess I'm just not a person who's good at working with quotas. Or at least not in that particular situation. I busted my butt, and I came close to what they wanted, but not close enough. I was thanked for my hard work, offered a recommendation whenever I needed one...

However, enter the instant stress, a lot of sobering thoughts...Had I been at work long enough that I could get COBRA coverage? Would unemployment be enough to pay for the outrageous COBRA fees as well as my rent and my student loans? Would I still be able to order my 3-month insulin supply this week?

What was I to do? It may not have been the greatest job in the world, but my co-workers were both kind and supportive, and my work wasn't the most boring I had ever attempted.

I have a paycheck coming this week, which will take out a double premium on my insurance. I'll have regular coverage until the 15th of October. I'll get another week of pay as well (a balance of vacation days and a couple of non-vacation days this week, not sure why that is...).

Never, ever in a million years did I think that losing my job less than 2 weeks before my wedding was a possibility. So it's back to the online job boards, and this could be good news for all of you out there on the OC, because I'll have more time during the day to update.

However, since I slept until noon today like a good disappointed unemployed girl, I am awake at this hour on a weeknight. I think for now, it's back to bed. Even if I can't sleep because my mind is heavy with...well...everything, there's at least a warm, snuggly husband-to-be who will appreciate my presence.

A Catch-Up Post

My life is too busy right now! I'm stressed out at work. I'm stressed out at home. I'm stressed out over my health. My blood sugars are high, and I've been working with a nurse practicioner/CDE to start managing things better than I have in years. However, all this being busy and stressed is not helping me to manage my blood sugars. I'm always on the run, and I should really download some software for my PDA that'll make it easy to record stuff when I'm out and about. Otherwise, it just doesn't get done. I've been relying for years on the system of taking a glucose reading, then pulling the numbers from the meter memory and writing them down. The CDE wants BS readings, carbs, the insulin I took...I should have sent her numbers by now, but I can't get into the habit of keeping track of things.

That's why I got the PDA in the first place, because I saw someone over at the American Diabetes Association message boards talking about how they've been using Diabetes Pilot software for their Palm, and how easy it is to use it. I plan on downloading it tonight (along with registering some games that I bought online for the Palm...you can see where my priorities are). Once I get the hang of it, I'll let you know if it's worth the effort, the money, and the time.

In Thigh Thing news, I haven't given it a walking test yet. I've put the pump in it and even slept with it on, much to the delight of my hubby-to-be. (That's in the nude, folks!) It was quite comfortable for sleeping and didn't cause me any problems. It's a little difficult to slide the pump out of the Thing to make a quick nighttime correction, so always check your BS before you hit the hay. If I can walk around without it sliding down my leg, I might wear it for the wedding. Maybe my garters will help it stay up. If the Thigh Thing fails the walking test, then we'll see of the many ways it can be stuffed into pantyhose or my fancy longline wedding bra. (Being fairly chesty, I have NO doubt my cleavage can hide the ol' Pumperoo.)

How do you keep up with your blood sugars? What's your favorite way to hide your pump in your outfit? And why haven't more of you answered the Diabetes Video Game question? I've got a couple of good answers, but if you want to have some fun, go back a post and let it out! If you're going to be stuck with a condition for the rest of your life, you might as well learn how to laugh about it sometimes.

Hope everybody is planning a fun weekend. I'm planning nothing, except maybe to write down some blood sugars for a change. It's going to be awesome.

Xbox-a-betes?

So I'm not sure if Captain Novolin was ever a real video game hero, but I had a rather amusing exchange with Scott the other day regarding the ultimate in dorkiness and diabetes combined, the Diabetes Video Game!

My question to you, readers, lurkers and friends...what would it be like?

I can think of a number of situations.

Grand Theft Auto: Diabetes
While this game wouldn't be for kids, it would be great. You can always punch some punk in the face when he looks at your dinner selection and says, "Hey, can you eat that?" Missions include busting the health care company who's overcharging for faulty glucose meter test strips and beating up politicians who are against stem cell research. Careful! Too much running through the city will give you a low blood sugar, and you'll lose valuable time when you have to stop and treat it! If your BS goes too high, you'll be sluggish, and the cops will be able to catch you faster.

Diabetes Tetris
Wherein lancets, test strips and syringes fall into columns. They line up, they disappear. It's just like real Tetris, only with medical supplies and without the fun Russian folk tunes.

Diabetes Revolution
Program the right amounts of insulin and carbs into your pump as blood sugar results and foods appear on screen. Happy Japanese sound effects abound.

I know there's more. This is where you come in. It's a good time to have some fun...and don't censor yourself! No answer is too lame!

Diabetes Haiku

You may not realize that I write a lot of poetry. I've also been to the National Poetry Slam, competing on Team Delaware this summer. I love to indulge in silly haiku. These are best appreciated by the DiabetesOC. I tried them at an open mic once, but I don't know that everybody "got" all of them. You will. It's good to laugh about your diabetes sometimes.

1.
Cell phones have TVs,
So why can't insulin pumps
Have built-in iPods?

2.
Oh, whiny kid on the
Glucose monitor advert,
Pricks don't hurt THAT much.

3.
Wilford Brimley is
A spokesman for my disease.
Please, no more oatmeal!

4. Sugar-free candy:
Too much of a good thing can
Turn out disgusting.

5.
I promise, if you
Make out with me, you will get
A big sugar high.

Nothing to Do With the D, Except a Player Name

Want to know what's so random and silly about my life?

I am the only girl at a LAN party right now. Unreal Tournament. Space dudes, prepare to die at the hands of HaNn0rZ-teh-sW33tn355!!111

Generally speaking, this is one of the many reasons why this blog is named Dorkabetic. Haha.

Somewhat Pointless Update

Somewhat pointless update on the Thigh Thing.

It came in the mail yesterday, and at least it fits. I slept with it on last night, and it seemed pretty good. My only issue was that it was a little difficult trying to stuff the pump back in after taking it out to give a correction bolus.

I have not yet put the pump in it for a walking test. Here's hoping the Thigh Thing doesn't end up becoming the Foot Thing or, even worse, the Pavement Thing.

Saying "Pavement Thing" makes me think of a Pavement cover band. Hmm. Anyway. Back to your regularly scheduled nothing.

Guilt Comes Squished Between Both Sides of the Oreo

It's in a basket about ten feet away from where I sit at work, and it's taunting me. Its peanut-nougaty-chocolate goodness is the only thing around that will keep me from wanting to eat a pen cap until it's time for lunch. It will release those feel-good brain chemicals because I'm a woman and chocolate just makes us feel like that. It is a fun-sized Snickers bar, and it's going to make me feel guilty and dirty as soon as it hits my tongue.

I eat it anyway.

I am trying to get out of this habit of overwhelming myself with guilt if I want something sweet once in a while. In this age of carb counting, sometimes the real stuff has just as many grams as the sugar-free stuff, and I know the real stuff will taste better and be out of my system faster.

I can't silence my mother's/friend's/grandmother's well-meant advice in my mind: "Should you be eating that?" Way back in the day, before carb-counting was the norm, the answer was a resounding, firm "no". I remember in middle school my friend CJ (now the maid of honor for my wedding) threw a fit because I happened to sniff a candy wrapper I was throwing away for her. She probably shrieked something about my imminent death as well.

Being repressed from sweets and bad foods only leads you to cheating. That's just how I felt when it started sometime in high school. I tested my boundaries by buying chocolate milk in the lunch line because my usual group of watchdog friends all ate lunch at a different time than I did. Sometimes it was cookies from the vending machine, or maybe an ice cream sandwich. That broken record of guilt played over and over in my head: "Should you be eating that? Isn't that bad for you?" The grams of sugar smirked back at me from the nutrition label like the devil signing a deal.

It still feels like cheating. I still get strange looks from the people who know about my diabetes. But what I know now is that there's no private investigator watching to see what I sneak in my lunch bag. I know that the 37 grams of carbs in this bottled, sugared Frappucino are no different than the 37 grams of carbs in the 8-ounce sugar-free light yogurt I will eat with my lunch. Carbs are carbs, we count them, we bolus for them.

This is how it goes, and yet, I will always feel the pangs of guilt and always hear my mother's voice when I look at that Snickers bar instead of trying to chew some sugar-free gum until the urge to eat chocolate passes. I'm sorry, Mom. I don't think I can ever completely give up on chocolate.

How To (Hopefully) Put a Pump Under One's Wedding Dress

Just about a month until the wedding.

Today I ordered the "Thigh Thing". http://www.uniaccs.com/thumbnail.asp?id=2&cid=63

I am hoping it does not fall off my thigh when I'm walking around, as my last thigh device did frequently. Oh well, I guess if it doesn't pan out, I can always shove the pump in my bra somewhere. I am just afraid that if my boobs start vibrating or making a "boop beep boop" noise during the ceremony, I will be unable to stop giggling.

Though I'm sure that's a wedding story that would follow me for the rest of my life.

If anybody knows of any other good "things" for hiding a pump under a wedding dress, by all means, let me know!