Went to the doc today to see if the UTI is still hanging around. They didn't find anything in my urinalysis except for a lot of glucose in my urine, so they decided to do some bloodwork on me. I am not excited for them to call me back and tell me what my A1C is. I'm sure I'll be read the riot act.
I hate the biggest undocumented complication of diabetes--the blame and pity you put on yourself. The tears that come after every doctor's visit when you are told they're not sure what's wrong with you are never easy. The tears that cloud your eyes as you drive home from your office visit, convinced that your diabetes is ruining your life and it's all your fault for not being able to handle things...well, I still can't cope with them.
I am so sick and tired of always beating myself up over things, and yet sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice. I'm really the only one who can take care of me from day-to-day, and honestly, I am not doing the best job. If you have been reading my blog, don't think that I'm some sort of role model for your own diabetes management. I struggle just as much as any person out there. Sometimes, it feels like even more than that.
I am sick of the struggle, exceedingly tired of this frustration. Sometimes, I also get tired of telling people that I have diabetes because I feel the need to tell them it's not always under the best control. That's when I get the looks, or the horror stories, or the questions about whether my every backache or stomach pain is related to my kidneys.
In the last big set of bloodwork I had done, months ago, my kidneys were perfectly fine. Thanks to everyone else, doctors included, I am sometimes terrified that they're doomed, or that somewhere in my life I will be attacked, viciously, by complications because I don't have things together right now.
I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be in denial about it either, but it's hard to ignore the voices around you that seem to be spelling out an untimely end.
I'm tired of feeling sick. I'm tired of feeling sorry, and I'm definitely tired of this self-pity-party I've been throwing for myself.
This New Year, I want to make a positive change in my life. I want to know that I am doing everything for myself that I possibly can, so that if those pitfalls do ever happen to come, I can actually say (and MEAN!) that I was trying my best. I've cried enough today, and I had more than my share of tears in 2007.
I hope to smile as much as possible in 2008. Starting now. Here's a couple of small goals I've set for myself so far:
1.) Get back in the habit of working out at least 3 days a week.
2.) Get back in the habit of logging on SugarStats.
3.) Eat more fruits and veggies!
4.) Start taking Symlin again. Anybody know if the pen's been released yet?
Sick and tired? I'm sick and tired of it. I'm gonna start small, and hopefully build up to a much better me.
So, who's got good ideas on how to stay motivated? Any recommended reading?