Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'll be under the blankets if you need me.

For no good reason, it's one of those days. I've snapped at Matt for no reason more than once, and he's been home less than two hours. I had a surprisingly decent job interview today, even though I wasn't sure I wanted to go in the first place. In fact, today has been generally problem-free.

So why, little grey cloud, have you taken up residence over my head? I cried for no reason this afternoon. I figured it's because I forgot my Wellbutrin with lunch, so I took it. But then I realized I forgot my Symlin AND my Metformin...also not a cause of my sadness, but it contributed to some disappointment in myself.

I just feel so blah today. The sun finally came out. I went and worked out at Curves during their "power workout", which happened to be pretty fun. I got some awesome buttons in the mail from Beth! I got some emails from my college best friends.

Lots of things are happy and up, but I just feel so down.

I think it's this whole job search thing starting to get to me. It's been almost a month now, and I think that's when it first sets in. Every doubt I've ever had about my education seems to be trying to scare me at every turn. Why didn't I ever have an internship? Should I have taken more classes in marketing/PR? Should I have pushed myself even more than I did?

My self-doubt says, "These are the reasons no one is calling you. You're just going to be a secretary with a college degree FOREVER. I hope you like drafting creative emails about company meetings for your bland corporate boss! I hope you like wearing pantyhose and neutral-colored nail polish FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

"STFU, self-doubt," I say.

"How do you expect to get a job you can manage when you can't even manage your own life? The apartment is a mess, and face it, so is your diabetes."

"It's called 'growing up', Mr. S-D, and I'm still doing it, every damn day. I conquer the mess a little at a time. I conquer my blood sugars a test at a time. It's a plan for now."

"You're never going to be a real adult."

"Let's talk about that when I'm past 30, okay, S-D? You're a real jerk when I need it the least. My workouts are giving me arm muscles. I'm gonna be able to kick your ass next time you get mouthy. Maybe I'll find a job before you decide to come around again. Honestly, if my potential employees would just call me, maybe they'd realize how great I am. Maybe I need to sell myself more in my cover letters. I think I'll go work on that now. AND I'm going to paint my nails sparkly purple. And there's nothing you can do about it."

"Um, your hair? Is frizzy? Or something?"

"I'm done hiding, so stuff it. Nothing a hairbrush can't fix."

I think I need to assign a face to my Self-Doubt, kind of like how Kerri has Larry Bird on her side, I need somebody on my side that I can toss a dart at once in a while. Suggestions?


  1. I have no suggestions for things to throw darts at. Anything you were afraid of as a child? For me it would be Ursula from The Little Mermaid. But I can say I know all about days like this one. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. By the way kudos on the sparkly purple nail polish.

  2. I think you should toss darts at Donald Trump. Or President Bush. Or maybe some chump from a reality TV show. (Um, they're all chumps, right?)

    In the meantime, Hannah, you sound like you're handling Mr. SD just fine. Work on that cover letter. And don't fret. I spent several years doing the secretary with a degree business - and then started striving for more. You'll be fine and you'll get to where sparkly purple nail polish to work. Soon.

    Re: the diabetes, you're doing so well. Don't beat yourself up. One battle at a time. Right?

    OK - so the proposal is coming. I've just got to get off my butt and do it.

    - N

  3. Oh crap, I'm sorry to hear about your yucky day. I get like that sometimes, definitely. Hannah, I have had that same thought sometimes about my work--being a college degree holding intelligent woman working as a secretary or some other bullshit job because my skills may not be recognized.

    I am a teacher, but when I look at other options, it kinda sucks sometimes.

    It's good that you still went to Curves, took your medicine and did your thang despite the funk.

    Maybe you can write a poem about it and perform it for the cat?

  4. Sometimes we just have blah days for no good reason! And tell that stupid self-doubt to go jump off a cliff! I've been there, and I know it's no fun. But you will be okay. :) Have a better day tomorrow.

  5. Ack, I hate those days. I hope tomorrow sees you free of your little unwelcome sidekick. Moving is stressful, so be sure and take some time for yourself, to recenter and relax.

    I hope the rest of your week is way more awesome. Who knows if it will be this job, now, but you're fantastically vibrant and creative and energetic and that's bound to get noticed.


  6. Bill O'Reilly? Karl Rove? GWB? That's who I'd pick, but then, I'm a tree-huggin', bleedin' heart liberal. :D

    And I have news for you - even as an alleged grown up, I'm still assailed by self-doubt regularly. It's a little easier to STFU now, but it's still there, waiting in the corner for a vulnerable moment.

  7. I can lend Larry out, you know. He's a busy guy, but he's a good motivational speaker. :D


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