Thursday, April 12, 2007

Rainy Thoughts for a Rainy Day

(And believe me, plenty of rain here in Delaware. Flash floods all over the place!)

In my job, I am often asked how I ended up here. That can mean a lot of different things, such as how did I end up in Delaware even though I was born in Pennsylvania and didn’t go to school here? How am I working in this office with a degree in communications—shouldn’t I be in a newsroom somewhere? How exactly do I handle the pressure when every salesman in our department wants something different from me?

In my mind, I often ask myself the why questions. Why am I not working for a PR firm? Why am I not an editor at a newspaper? Why didn’t I push myself more in school to end up with my dream job? Why can’t I be more like my friends who work for TV networks, for local news, for ad agencies? I start to doubt myself and my abilities, and I’m the type of person who really hates being down on myself. It still happens. It happens to all of us.

Then, I stop to think about all the good things I’ve accomplished since graduating from college in 2004. At my job, I have a reputation as being one of the most creative people in the building. People come to me with their publication design problems. People sometimes come to me for brainstorming a creative way to put together their merchandising displays. The people I work for appreciate me. I don’t have to be anybody’s coffee girl, and I don’t get stepped on by divas who are further up the ladder. I’ve been to two National Poetry Slams. I published a chapbook with some of my work in it. I write something every single day. I married the love of my life. I have friends who are more like family. I have a cute cat. I have settled for nothing—I’m living a life that I think is pretty great.

Sometimes, I feel the same way about keeping up this d-blog. I just come up with so many questions, a few self-doubts. Why should I be doing this? I am pretty far from being a role model. My A1c probably hasn’t been below 8% in at least 3 years, and I really need to get a handle on what I’m eating. I’m on anti-depressants and a ton of other meds. I eat candy. Sometimes I only test my blood sugar twice a day.

Sometimes I feel like there should be a big neon sign over my head flashing, “Worst. Diabetic. Ever. Don’t listen to her.”

Then, I stop to think about what got me into the Diabetes OC in the first place. I started when I stumbled across ChronicBabe, which led me to Kerri and Amy. They led me to George, Scott J., and Nicole. It grew from there. I’d never had any friends with diabetes in my life. Suddenly, diabetes goals didn’t seem so unattainable. Suddenly, I realized we all make mistakes. Sometimes we all eat candy, overdose on carbs, puzzle over sudden blood sugar fluctuations. Finally somebody understood the comedy in scolding your pet for playing with your used syringe or insulin bottle.

So, I am by far NOT the best diabetic in the world. But I love my blog. I love being able to share my experiences with people who really understand. I love that the only requirement for what I write is honesty. I love that support is only an entry away, but if I don’t feel like talking about diabetes that day, that’s cool too. There are many things I could do better healthwise, but I’m working on changing my ways. This blog is mine, and I think it’s pretty great.

Thanks for reading and for accepting my imperfections.


  1. Hey Hannah - it's a struggle for all of us. And we all fall down. I sometimes STAY down for a while. But we all choose to get back up and keep fighting the fight.

    I love reading your stuff, and appreciate the honesty with which you write.

    Dealing with diabetes sucks. But it's how we choose to deal with that sucky thing that helps shape the character of our person.

    I figure it like this. If I can deal with diabetes, I can do anything I want.

    And my last A1C, of 7.9, was the first time in 5 or 6 years that it was below 8%...

  2. Hi Hannah,
    However it happened, we're glad you found your way here :)

  3. But you are a role model - you're blogging honestly about your life with diabetes. I love, love, love all these blogs, written by all these imperfect people with diabetes. I don't think that you D-people can quite grasp what a comfort it is to me, the parent of a D kid, to know that you're all out there, chugging along, doing what needs to be done, asking for help, giving advice and sharing slices of your life with me and the rest of the blogosphere.

    So, thank you. Keep doing what you're doing.

  4. I'm sure we've all felt like "The. Worst. Diabetic. Ever." at multiple points in our lives with this disease. I had a feeling like that last weekend when I had a reading over 500. Abject failure.

    We're not perfect, but we're trying.

    Thanks for sharing your side of things with us. It helps.s

  5. Hannah - I've never much cared for perfect people. What makes us interesting are our many foibles. What makes our lives something that should be written and read about is how screwed up we sometimes are - and how we pick up and get on with things anyhow... You know?

    And I didn't know you've been to slams - were you part of a team - or did you go at it solo? Only someone who's done that would know exactly how it is to lay out your innermost thoughts - the secrets you keep and the jokes you only tell to yourself and the struggles you've had - and have a roomful of people cheer - or worse, sit in utter strange silence... I've only seen that happen one time, but it was something for sure.

    Anyhow, often when people measure accomplishments, they forget all of the small things - the things that seem utterly insignificant to everyone else. It seems like you remember those things - and that, my dear, is AMAZING and rare.

    Re: Worst diabetic. I'm sure many of us feel on most days we'd give you a run for your money in achieving that title... :)

  6. Lets be honest here - name for me one diabetic who has never felt that he/she wasn't THE WORST DIABETIC! This is one hell of a disease to tackle and all we can do is struggle through it. I prefer your honesty about the way it really is. Even with my vuddy the pump it is a never ending juggling act! Sometimes its OK and sometimes it is just the pitts!


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