It's a difficult feeling to experience. Between the crankiness and the extreme fatigue comes the guilt.
I should have paid better attention to my numbers today.
I should have tested more today.
I could have changed my infusion site earlier.
I shouldn't have eaten [insert "forbidden" food here] at all, let alone that much of it.
I wonder if my insulin went bad, and I didn't even think to check.
I should be getting something productive accomplished but I feel like shit.
I could be sitting here and relaxing, but no, my vision is a bit blurry and so I'm getting a headache while trying to drink water, waiting for insulin to kick in and watching TV. And now I worry about my eyes. Great.
I catalog all the reasons I have disappointed myself, my family, my loved ones, anyone who shares my life and living space. I stop and feel guilty about feeling guilty. I'm 30 years old. Shouldn't someone have cured this nonsense by now? Shouldn't I know exactly how to handle everything? Shouldn't I remember to test more often?
I am not Diabetes Wonder Woman. I have not perfected the art of doing it all/having it all/maintaining a great A1C while doing so. However, maybe I am a bit super. Nearly infinite in patience with myself, always trying to look on the bright side, always hoping that things are moving in a positive direction.
But it's hard. It's hard when the numbers seem to be telling me something that I already know. Sometimes the numbers are threatening. Sometimes the numbers are harmless. There are days I'm pretty sure blood glucose meters exist primarily to make me feel bad about myself. No matter how vigilant I am, it sometimes feels like when I attempt to live like a regular person, I am always on the wrong side of 100. It's 160 and climbing, or it's 70 and dropping.
It's difficult work. It's exhausting.
It's me wondering why I don't have a gallon jug of spring water at my beck and call for these sticky dry mouth occasions. It's imagining my blood is slowly sludging through my veins, like dyed-red corn syrup. That's what they use for blood in the movies.
It's knowing tomorrow is another day, and now is another correction bolus. It's the belief that on the other side of that correction bolus is a less-tired, happier version of myself. You know, the one who was hanging around before my stupid infusion set sprung a leak.