Wednesday, January 2, 2008

My Resolve to have Resolutions.

Went to the doc today to see if the UTI is still hanging around. They didn't find anything in my urinalysis except for a lot of glucose in my urine, so they decided to do some bloodwork on me. I am not excited for them to call me back and tell me what my A1C is. I'm sure I'll be read the riot act.

I hate the biggest undocumented complication of diabetes--the blame and pity you put on yourself. The tears that come after every doctor's visit when you are told they're not sure what's wrong with you are never easy. The tears that cloud your eyes as you drive home from your office visit, convinced that your diabetes is ruining your life and it's all your fault for not being able to handle things...well, I still can't cope with them.

I am so sick and tired of always beating myself up over things, and yet sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice. I'm really the only one who can take care of me from day-to-day, and honestly, I am not doing the best job. If you have been reading my blog, don't think that I'm some sort of role model for your own diabetes management. I struggle just as much as any person out there. Sometimes, it feels like even more than that.

I am sick of the struggle, exceedingly tired of this frustration. Sometimes, I also get tired of telling people that I have diabetes because I feel the need to tell them it's not always under the best control. That's when I get the looks, or the horror stories, or the questions about whether my every backache or stomach pain is related to my kidneys.

In the last big set of bloodwork I had done, months ago, my kidneys were perfectly fine. Thanks to everyone else, doctors included, I am sometimes terrified that they're doomed, or that somewhere in my life I will be attacked, viciously, by complications because I don't have things together right now.

I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be in denial about it either, but it's hard to ignore the voices around you that seem to be spelling out an untimely end.

I'm tired of feeling sick. I'm tired of feeling sorry, and I'm definitely tired of this self-pity-party I've been throwing for myself.

This New Year, I want to make a positive change in my life. I want to know that I am doing everything for myself that I possibly can, so that if those pitfalls do ever happen to come, I can actually say (and MEAN!) that I was trying my best. I've cried enough today, and I had more than my share of tears in 2007.

I hope to smile as much as possible in 2008. Starting now. Here's a couple of small goals I've set for myself so far:

1.) Get back in the habit of working out at least 3 days a week.
2.) Get back in the habit of logging on SugarStats.
3.) Eat more fruits and veggies!
4.) Start taking Symlin again. Anybody know if the pen's been released yet?

Sick and tired? I'm sick and tired of it. I'm gonna start small, and hopefully build up to a much better me.

So, who's got good ideas on how to stay motivated? Any recommended reading?


  1. Hi Hannah,
    I came to your blog via Kerri's SUM.
    I hate to hear you so glum today, so I thought I'd share one of my favorite sites that has had a lot on resolutions and habits recently is

    Hang in there!

  2. Nikki4:55 PM

    My endo says the pen will be out in Jan sometime.

    Good post. I know what you mean about the doctors never knowing what is wrong with you.

    Hang in there.

  3. :(

    Guilt and blame.... I do it, I hate it, and I am saddened that it has anything to do with diabetes.

    Best of luck with your resolutions, and take care! I'll be cheering for you from Washington!

  4. Hannah,
    I hope you feel better soon. I understand. The fears are real. I try to ignore them. But once in a while, they creep back up on me.

    Good luck on your goals for 2008. I hope you accomplish them.

  5. Guilt and blame, are always there with diabetes. It sucks, and no one asked to deal with this. All I can say is good luck with your goals, I'm cheering for you!

  6. Dude, All i can say is if I can make some changes in my life then I know you can! I am always here to chat with or vent to or whatever and you know I am always going up and down with the guilt and crap.

    Use the OC for motivation. That has helped me. That is why I post my weight loss or gain. If i put it out there then I have a whole bunch of people rooting for me and encouraging me.

    The OC rocks and you are a big part of that! Good luck my gaming dorkabetic friend.

    BTW you are soooo ninja too! :)

  7. thanks for posting this. i think we all struggle with these feelings of guilt or blame or knowing we could be doing some things better and with diabetes a 24/7/365 day a year gig, there is no vacation, no freedom from the what ifs.

    i think you rock and don't let the numbers define you. you are much more than just diabetes.

  8. Hannah, I'm glad I found your blog! I don't have diabetes but my son does. As tough as it can be for me to be the caregiver, I know that one day I'll be able to take a break from it. But my son cannot. It's tough, it's a pain, and it won't go away (yet!) and it breaks my heart.

    However, you have to forgive yourself and move on. Every day give you the chance to start over. So much of what the doctors tell us seems to be a guessing game. "Oh.. that doesn't work? Let's try this. Hmmm. Let's try something else." ARGH! I hope that 2008 has more solid answers and less guess work for you. And peace of mind!

  9. hi again Hannah,
    It's rough. I have been feeling guilty too, and also sick of even hearing myself tell me and everyone the same thigns: no things aren't going well, etc. Also my meter average is a lot higher than it was a few months ago, and it's even higher than when my pump wasn't working. The last few weeks I've been having 300s pretty often. argh.

    Your small goals are a good idea... I should do the same, I think the friendly accountability/support from this online community is probably helpful... thanks for writing

  10. Hi Hannah

    I know exactly what you're talking about. I think you're probably doing as a good a job as most of us d-bloggers. And none of us are perfect at this, cause it's such a lousy disease to try and control.

    I like the expression about guilt that someone gave me many years ago "Guilt...the gift that keeps on giving." I hope it goes away for you before too long.

    It sounds as if the Symlin pen is just around the corner. So hopefully it'll be out by the end of this month.

    Hannah I hope that 2008 is a year with happier numbers and easier control for you.

  11. Hannah - the guilt and blame of diabetes is one of the biggest complications I face on a daily basis. Thank you so much for writing this. I have felt these same feelings.

    I know you'll find the motivation to move forward and make changes. You're a talented and inspiring woman - I know 2008 will hold great things for you! :)

  12. Hey Hannah,

    I definitely know what you mean and have been there too. I'm glad you're made some new years goal that will hopefully help you get to the place you want to be.

    Don't give up, there is tons of support out there and I know you can feel that.

    It is with sincere stories like this that help us create and design new features for and I want to say THANK YOU for sharing.

    For sharing your fears, for sharing your frustrations and for sharing the problems you've encountered and go through on a daily basis. I see for these reasons why we need community support, friend and family support so much and how at the least I can help try to curb those issues with new features in SugarStats.

    Hang in there and I hope you had a happy new years!!

  13. Word up Hannah. That guilt and shame and pity and all of that. It bites. Isolation is another one I often feel.


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