Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Sullenness with a Sprinkle of Happy News

The happy news is that I have a telephone interview today at 4:00 for a really cool job. Wish me luck!

Not the point of this post, however.

Maybe it's the weather--something to do with the lack of sunshine for the past two weeks, with the snow that's falling today. Maybe it's being alone nearly every weekday. Maybe it's my inadequate use of my anti-depressant medication while I was waiting on my pharmacy, but I am glum today.

It probably started last night, I snapped at Matt for no good reason. Maybe the high blood sugar was to blame, but sometimes I wonder if I blame my moods on my blood sugar too often. But as apologies were made and sadness was talked out, I still didn't feel any better. Matt is really feeling the stress of working and the worry of finishing his Master's. He was busy beating himself up over the fact that he shouldn't have started a job before finishing the thesis.

When I think back on it, he had already pushed back his job start date, and he was terrified that if he tried it again, they would take the job from him. I don't know that they would have, but I've never been an engineer, and Matt didn't have any experience outside the world of academia.

So sometimes it's really hard for him to accept things like having to wear a tie every day except Friday because that's just the way it is. Or that he needs to just come home from work and maybe devote an hour or so to working on his paper, or get up early on the weekends to work on his paper because...that's just how he needs to manage his time.

I am a procrastinator. Always have been, always will be. I think it's practically genetic. But it hasn't been that way for him. Matt likes to get things done, so it's hard for me to understand why he can't just jump in and get to work like he always did before. He says he's fine, but I worry about him a lot. It's hard to believe that someone who's awake in bed worrying about how he's going to manage his time is "fine". All I can do is be supportive.

But by telling him he should just "do what he's supposed to", I feel stressed out. Why? Because I sound like my Mom! More specifically, when my Mom used to talk to me about my diabetes. Inaccurate carb counts? I should just "do what I'm supposed to". No logged glucose numbers prior to a doctor visit? "Why can't you just do what you're supposed to? Don't you want to stay healthy?" I'm eyeballing a plate of cookies, contemplating just one, and there's Mom's frowning face in my mind, with no comments, just a look of disappointment because I'm probably not "doing what I'm supposed to".

But I think all this time, what I was "supposed to" do was make sure I felt sane while taking care of myself. For a while, I never did, so I didn't take the best care of myself. Now I know what I'm supposed to do is make the best efforts that I can. That I should know it's not always going to be perfect, but I should just make the most of things. When you are not the person who actually has diabetes every single day, it's easy to say, "Just do what you're supposed to do!" because you don't realize that it's a situation requiring more nuance than that.

Because at the time, what I was "supposed to do" was get good grades in school in ALL my subjects, including my weakest ones, make sure I was not staying out with my friends too late or I'd get grounded, I was supposed to be doing my chores, supposed to be studying a lot, supposed to be attempting to squeeze in a full life while micro-managing every aspect of my health, all before I was 18. Of course things weren't going to be perfect, so no matter how much I did what I thought was important, it never felt like the right thing.

I think this is something I'll tell Matt tonight. I realize I might sound like an ass just telling him to do what he knows he's supposed to do. I need to justify what I'm trying to tell him.

Or he'll end up like me. Glum and unnecessarily stressed out.

So what is it that you're expected to just DO, and not question, that drags you down?


  1. I really enjoyed this post, even though you're glum. Probably b/c I can totally relate to it. :)

    "Doing what you're supposed to do" is not always so simple or straight-forward, esp. with diabetes or depression in the picture. I find that when I "should" on my self, it creates even more inaction on my part, wanting to rebel from the "should storm" that hits me again and again. that sounds lame, but do you get my point?

    i don't have a job anymore and my anti-d's are not working and i think i need a higher dose and i need to find a doc back in the states for a new scripts not some quack in taiwan and my boyfriend is in the lab all day until 10 or 9 at night and i'm alone and lonely with my thoughts and shoulds, thinking of all the stuff i should/could/need to be doing but am not, and it just gets too much sometimes.

    i hope your job interview on the phone went well. i bet you're a fun phone interviewee. I can tell!

    Feel better soon. I'm rootin' for ya, and thinking of you, Hannah. If you ever want to chat, my MSN/Yahoo ID is amyliagrace. My AOL is the same, but am rarely on.

  2. The change in weather gets me down- especially when we go weeks with no sunshine.
    The other things that get me down are the things I don't have a choice on. I have to write this paper NOW, not tomorrow. I have to eat NOW- not in a few hours. I'd like to be able to make the decision.


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