I'd like you to picture a seesaw, or a tire swing, or a pendulum. Anything that constantly goes up and down, or back and forth, or both.
I've talked of my depression before, of the medication that keeps me stable. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not sure what I want, who I want, how I'm going to get anywhere. I have moments of great hollowness where I dig to the bottom and find nothing exceptional. I have moments where I see love everywhere, and sunshine and rainbows and cuddly little baby bunnies.
This is how I've felt lately. Good, bad, good, bad, better, worse, better, worse, good.
Overall, of course, my direction is positive. I have not lost hope. Maybe I just need an adjustment of the aforementioned medication.
I am wondering if it's just because the time until I turn 30 is constantly shrinking. It's less than 5 months away. I'm not one of those people who's afraid to turn 30, but my recurring feelings tell me I'm not where I'm supposed to be. This is not what I expected. My biological clock is occasionally yelling at me these days, rather aggressively, and I respond to it the same way I respond to my first alarm every workday morning, "Ugh, not now."
I haven't written enough poems lately. I haven't written enough blog posts. I keep flirting with writing fiction again, as I haven't done it in years. If there is one thing I know about myself, it's that I am meant to write. I need to stop denying myself this freedom and pleasure, because maybe that's the one great thing I have going for me all the time.
I own this blog. I own these words. I own this sense of self.
Give me the strength to stop neglecting things. All the things.
I really don't think enough attention is given to the fact that diabetes CAN AND DOES cause what most people refer to as depression. But I think it's a different kind of depression, brought on by the combination of having to pay such close attention to a health condition that is so difficult to manage, as well as the very real effects that fluctuating BGs have on all the other hormones in your body. I wish endos would pay more attention to this and do more to not only diagnose but proactively treat the depressive cycles so many of us with T1 experience. I've definitely gone through this and I find it irritating that endos rarely ask how I'm doing.
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