So a while ago, I wrote about having a lot of issues with attention in recent days. I still do. I find it hard to get through my work, or a book, or occasionally even a conversation without my mind wandering off to Timbuktu (or wherever it is daydreaming brains like to envision). I am pretty sure that the dwarf hamster who runs the wheel in my mind has decided to hibernate.
I'm certain that many of us out there occasionally fall victim to an unfocused day, maybe even a foggy week. For me, this whole issue has been going on longer than I would like. It's affected my work. It's affecting my writing. Worst of all, it's affecting my diabetes management. I know what I need to do. I know every step I need to take, and I am willing to work on chasing my numbers, minding my carbs, trying to be a better diabetic.
I have entire days where I check my blood glucose once. I eat carbs without bolusing. I forget to check my blood before meals, even if my meter is sitting next to me. I care about my health, my future, what's going to happen to me, and yet I can't seem to nail the most basic habits of a disease I've dealt with for over 20 years. I need help.
Tomorrow, I am going to get help. I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the very first time. Nerve-wracking? You bet. What will I learn? Will there be a diagnosis? Will there be pills, therapy or both? Will they find anything wrong with me at all? Will I discover that my dream about killing a horde of zombies with a spray bottle of Windex is my subconscious's way of telling me I'm a sub-par manager of my own health?
Last night at a visit with my fabulous (and extremely patient) CDE Sarah K., I told her about my plans. She giggled and said, "Oh my God, you have...DIAPRESSION!" We laughed a bit over the silliness of the real website, as it notes that "diapression" is not a medical term at all. Rather, it seems like one of those made-up words which is unpalatable to me, like "jeggings" or "tweens".
The overall concept of the Diapression is a decent one, though. The website's mission appears to be seeking mainstream acceptance for those piggybackers of chronic illnesses: depression, anxiety, and stress. This happens to so many of us dealing with diabetes or any other chronic illness. I took antidepressants from 2004 until probably 2006. Sarah pointed out to me that she takes an antidepressant, another CDE at the practice takes an antidepressant, and loads of diabetics out there struggle with mental health. Let's face it--there's no break from diabetes, and that lack of a break takes its toll.
Hopefully I like this psychiatrist, and we can work out some treatments to coax the hamster out with some bits of apple and get him back on his wheel.
In the meantime, I think I may make up more words that combine diabetes and other things, such as, "This diabetes is a diapain in the diass!"