Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Shiny Things! (or, Issues I Have with Attention)

I am considering making a doctor's appointment for myself at the end of the week.  I am hoping that my favorite Physician's Assistant at my family doctors' practice is a patient, sensitive listener, as I've always perceived her to be.  I am beginning to think this forgetfulness and lack of focus and organization is more clinical than merely something I need to learn to do better.

I mean, I always want to do the right things.  I want to get that boring paperwork at work finished and out of the way for good.  I want to check my blood glucose five times a day every day, at least.  I want to blog more.  I want to look for freelance writing opportunities when I get home in the evenings.  But it's just not there.  My drive feels like it's missing.  I collapse into indifference or panic when boring things or less-than-pleasant things come up.  In my mind, I am just soldiering on through them.  I am holding up just fine.

But I've missed important appointments.  I've lost papers at work.  I keep all kinds of lists, but then after some time, I grow to ignore those, too.  For someone who has been told all her life that she is bright, intelligent, has so much to offer, I feel like I am always falling short.  I have talked to some of my friends who have been diagnosed with Adult ADD, and now I think I may go talk to my doctor about the same.  And maybe it's not even that.  Maybe I need to find myself a good therapist.

There are many areas of my life that matter to me that I don't necessarily see myself falling behind on until it really counts.  I miss an endocrinologist's appointment in June--after already missing previous appointments.  I know that you should bolus for whatever carbs you eat.  I even preach it.  Then I don't do it for myself.

I am tired of feeling like I'm screwing myself over unintentionally all the time.  I think I need to look for help.

Anybody out there struggling?  Does my story sound familiar at all?


  1. I feel like this is me much of the time. I can always get things done, but it's never the way they SHOULD be done. That "soldiering on" feeling is familiar.

    For what it's worth, I've been fightin' with depression for almost half of my 32 years. I find that it makes me complacent, and bored and frustrated, and finally panicked -- when I realized how far behind I've fallen.

    I hope you can get some clarity. Sometimes it helps just to have a name to put to things.

  2. Jacquie - I've had diagnosed depression before as well, and that was no fun either. I'm just not sure where I'm at right now, but I know it's not where I want to be.

    I feel like my problems focusing aren't just me being lazy or simple daydreaming. It's like I just can't care about it. It's odd.

    If they could give me a diagnosis, I think it would put my mind at ease a bit.

  3. Hannah - this is TOTALLY me!! The being conscious of changes need and yet inable to act, the inability to keep things straight despite using all kinds of techniques to make lists / reminders, and just the plan inability to concentrate at times! I've always wondered if this was related having T1 (it'll be 21 years this Sunday). Maybe it's a lesser complication? Or related to diabetes-specific depression?

  4. You know - it's certainly worth looking into. I know I'm late to comment, and maybe you'll talk more about the results in a future post.

  5. Ugh, i've been going through something similar... I think it's an accumulation of many things - which I need to deal with. But I have a problem with the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak - including but not limited to diabetes, cleaning, being a mom etc.... Praying for things to turn around and march on with enthusiasm in your step. :o)


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