How is it that I keep forgetting to bolus? When did I get so careless?
I started off this morning at an excellent 109, then came to work, had an apple and a bagel for breakfast, and ended up, moments ago, at a syrupy 352. Correct! Correct! Chug that water!
I hate the high blood sugar feeling where you realize your blood is probably crawling through your veins like molasses. I don't like feeling poorly, so how, or even WHY should I keep forgetting my boluses? This is ridiculous.
Just when I feel like I want to beat up on myself, I know that's not going to get me anywhere. I know I have bigger problems to worry about, and when it comes to my diabetes, I should just get down and dirty. I should just do the work instead of fretting. Excessive worry is passing through my family, and I don't want it to make me crazier that necessary.
It's already taking its toll on everyone else, which makes it hard to discuss my concerns with even my own mother. There are unanswered questions about my uncle's health, but as it stands, I already can't talk to my mom on the phone without crying at least once anymore. I do not want to burden her further with worrying about my health when that is MY THING to take care of. I cannot help but think any mention of my control being less than stellar brings her to thoughts of me lying in a home, dying from an invisible illness.
And that will lead her to nagging. And more crying. And neither of us want to hear those things.
Then again, thoughts of any of this lead me to a huge headache. My mother, when she is stretched to her sanity's capacity, is not always the person I want to deal with over the phone. I want to be able to talk to her about everything, but she makes half of the things I say into an issue, and even when she apologizes, it's still something that has already hurt/bothered me. I talk about moving, and my choices for cities to live in are always too far away, or why do I want to commute to work in the city, why this, why that, why can't I just live in a town that's closer to Matt's new job?
When my mom is this stressed out, suddenly I'm 15 again, instead of 25. I don't know what to do, which I why I should just start managing my diabetes better. Sure, there will be things I can't control, but I know the paths I need to take to get there.
But unfortunately, the pump doesn't lecture you when you forget a bolus...it's only your guilty heart and the unwanted sweetness bubbling beneath your skin.