Wednesday, August 15, 2007

If I Only Had a Brain

How is it that I keep forgetting to bolus? When did I get so careless?

I started off this morning at an excellent 109, then came to work, had an apple and a bagel for breakfast, and ended up, moments ago, at a syrupy 352. Correct! Correct! Chug that water!

I hate the high blood sugar feeling where you realize your blood is probably crawling through your veins like molasses. I don't like feeling poorly, so how, or even WHY should I keep forgetting my boluses? This is ridiculous.

Just when I feel like I want to beat up on myself, I know that's not going to get me anywhere. I know I have bigger problems to worry about, and when it comes to my diabetes, I should just get down and dirty. I should just do the work instead of fretting. Excessive worry is passing through my family, and I don't want it to make me crazier that necessary.

It's already taking its toll on everyone else, which makes it hard to discuss my concerns with even my own mother. There are unanswered questions about my uncle's health, but as it stands, I already can't talk to my mom on the phone without crying at least once anymore. I do not want to burden her further with worrying about my health when that is MY THING to take care of. I cannot help but think any mention of my control being less than stellar brings her to thoughts of me lying in a home, dying from an invisible illness.

And that will lead her to nagging. And more crying. And neither of us want to hear those things.

Then again, thoughts of any of this lead me to a huge headache. My mother, when she is stretched to her sanity's capacity, is not always the person I want to deal with over the phone. I want to be able to talk to her about everything, but she makes half of the things I say into an issue, and even when she apologizes, it's still something that has already hurt/bothered me. I talk about moving, and my choices for cities to live in are always too far away, or why do I want to commute to work in the city, why this, why that, why can't I just live in a town that's closer to Matt's new job?

When my mom is this stressed out, suddenly I'm 15 again, instead of 25. I don't know what to do, which I why I should just start managing my diabetes better. Sure, there will be things I can't control, but I know the paths I need to take to get there.

But unfortunately, the pump doesn't lecture you when you forget a's only your guilty heart and the unwanted sweetness bubbling beneath your skin.


  1. "But unfortunately, the pump doesn't lecture you when you forget a's only your guilty heart and the unwanted sweetness bubbling beneath your skin."

    Isn't this the truth...

    Hannah - You're standing on that precipe. We've all been there - on the edge - with forgotten boluses and feeling crappy and scared all around us - and a leap that seems incredibly difficult to make in front of us. I KNOW you will make that leap - because you are strong. And because you know you WANT to make it. And once that leap is made - there will be another and another... So is life with diabetes. It's intense, it's difficult - but you've got so many of us out here who know what it's like and who want to help.

    And I have a mother who is much as you describe yours. It can be frustrating - because you know she's not trying to be anything but helpful, honest... But sometimes, you wish she'd just stop... :S

    If there is ANYTHING I can do - call or email... Yes? - N

  2. Hannah, I agree with Nicole. Our guilty hearts get us down, and frankly, our beloved mothers don't help sometimes. I'm back in the States and it's ALL coming back to me. I'm not a 30 year old woman, I'm a little kid whose mom is in charge. Dang--funny how that happens.

    I forgot to take my Lantus last night and only realized it now, I was wondering why my blood sugars were in the 200s for no apparent reason, and I had a 540 reading the other day after waking up at 115, so it goes sometimes. I still don't know how THAT happened.

    Keep going and know that we're all out here, rooting you on!


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