Sunday, December 3, 2006

A Visit with Nancy the NP, and Michelle the Pumping Princess: Chapter 1

It completely escaped my mind to ask Nancy the NP why I was having the liver function test.

There was another test to be scheduled, which sort of threw everything out of whack mentally. I have to get some sort of autonomic function test in two weeks. Nancy the NP explained that they've noticed some tachycardia (aka fast heartbeats) at my last couple of appointments, and they want to check it out. I think, well duh there's a fast heartbeat, I'm always nervous I'm going to hear bad news when I come in here. She also says there was a trace amount of protein in my urine test, and slightly high triglyceride levels in my last bloodwork.

I'm still waiting for the most recent lab stuff to come back. I got it done the same day as the appointment this week.

I guess this explains the hyperlipidemia business. But my heart? Oh sure, I'm a poet, I think about my heart all the time, but not in the sense that something could be wrong with it. I notice that my heart seems to speed up a bit too much after sudden bursts of activity, like climbing the stairs to my third-floor apartment. I always assumed it's because I'm out of shape.

Nancy the NP must have noticed a panic-stricken look on my face while I'm in the office. She put her hand on my arm and said, "It's not for sure that these are diabetes complications. It could be just you, your body, what you were doing at the time." She went on to say that even if I do have a problem with tachycardia, I'm already on half of the treatment for it--my daily dose of Altace. She said they would add a beta blocker to the regimen.

I think of my heart in the metaphorical sense all the time--it's full of love, of song, of longing, of loss, of joy. But now when I think of it, it's full of guilt.

Every pitter-patter instead of a steady ka-thump-ka-thump, every ache and pain in my limbs, every blood-sugar-addled moment of blurred vision (which doesn't happen often)...I can't keep from blaming myself in some way. I know I shouldn't. Sometimes these things just happen.
I couldn't believe that when I mentioned my possible heart problem to my mom over the phone, she didn't launch into some lecture, resulting in even more guilt.

I just think of Nancy the NP reassuring me that maybe it's just the way I am. I can live with that.

Michelle, the diabetes educator, helped me fine-tune some basal rates, and in a week, I'm supposed to send blood sugars. She even went so far as to call me a "such a good patient". I feel like I'm making some steps in the right direction, finally. Maybe that's why I'm not going to let this guilt weigh me down. I'm bigger than this.

Plus, last night I found an awesome job opportunity nearby. I'm going to try and write the most kickass cover letter of my life, because it sounds like the perfect job for me. Even if I can't get the job, I'm hoping there's a chance I could get an internship there, because it seems their internships are not limited to students. I could work some kind of part-time job while doing an internship, then I'd be ready for a job that I love.

I'm ready for a job that I'll love now. I'm ready for a body that I love now, and a level of control that I love now. Is it too much to ask for these things all at once?

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous6:14 AM

    As to your last question - absolutely not. It is when you don't know what you want, what your goals are that we all flounder. Go write that kickass application, try and stop worrying (says me the worriwart) and just do the best you can with the diabetes control.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That guilt is a hard thing to avoid - especially when we are told that we are able to control our condition.

    So who's fault is it when things don't go exactly perfect? We are sure to feel it's our fault.

    I fight with the guilt too.

    But don't worry too much about it. We can only do our best, and it sounds like you really are doing just fine. Sounds like you have a good care team too, and that can make all the difference in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous11:41 AM

    You can - and will - have all of those things! You seem really focused and I think you are going to do great.

    I too have struggled with guilt. I just use those negative thoughts as motivation to do better next time.

    Good luck with the cover letter and job! I can't wait to hear how it goes!

    ReplyDelete
  4. yes they are cute, but kind of annoying when they scratch the hell out of you. my poor hands!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous3:32 PM

    Hannah,
    Good luck with that job! Don’t worry too much about tests to come and results. I know it is hard to do, but worrying only makes you go grey. Honest.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Seems like we are always waiting for more tests, more results, blah blah blah. I hate it.
    I get extremely nervous at the doctor's (actually even for a couple days before), but I've taken a beta blocker (atenolol) for a few years and my pulse is a constant 60 beats per minute.
    Good luck with the job possibility.

    ReplyDelete

Remember to use your commenting powers for good, not evil. Excelsior!