Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Guilt Comes Squished Between Both Sides of the Oreo

It's in a basket about ten feet away from where I sit at work, and it's taunting me. Its peanut-nougaty-chocolate goodness is the only thing around that will keep me from wanting to eat a pen cap until it's time for lunch. It will release those feel-good brain chemicals because I'm a woman and chocolate just makes us feel like that. It is a fun-sized Snickers bar, and it's going to make me feel guilty and dirty as soon as it hits my tongue.

I eat it anyway.

I am trying to get out of this habit of overwhelming myself with guilt if I want something sweet once in a while. In this age of carb counting, sometimes the real stuff has just as many grams as the sugar-free stuff, and I know the real stuff will taste better and be out of my system faster.

I can't silence my mother's/friend's/grandmother's well-meant advice in my mind: "Should you be eating that?" Way back in the day, before carb-counting was the norm, the answer was a resounding, firm "no". I remember in middle school my friend CJ (now the maid of honor for my wedding) threw a fit because I happened to sniff a candy wrapper I was throwing away for her. She probably shrieked something about my imminent death as well.

Being repressed from sweets and bad foods only leads you to cheating. That's just how I felt when it started sometime in high school. I tested my boundaries by buying chocolate milk in the lunch line because my usual group of watchdog friends all ate lunch at a different time than I did. Sometimes it was cookies from the vending machine, or maybe an ice cream sandwich. That broken record of guilt played over and over in my head: "Should you be eating that? Isn't that bad for you?" The grams of sugar smirked back at me from the nutrition label like the devil signing a deal.

It still feels like cheating. I still get strange looks from the people who know about my diabetes. But what I know now is that there's no private investigator watching to see what I sneak in my lunch bag. I know that the 37 grams of carbs in this bottled, sugared Frappucino are no different than the 37 grams of carbs in the 8-ounce sugar-free light yogurt I will eat with my lunch. Carbs are carbs, we count them, we bolus for them.

This is how it goes, and yet, I will always feel the pangs of guilt and always hear my mother's voice when I look at that Snickers bar instead of trying to chew some sugar-free gum until the urge to eat chocolate passes. I'm sorry, Mom. I don't think I can ever completely give up on chocolate.

Monday, August 28, 2006

How To (Hopefully) Put a Pump Under One's Wedding Dress

Just about a month until the wedding.

Today I ordered the "Thigh Thing".

I am hoping it does not fall off my thigh when I'm walking around, as my last thigh device did frequently. Oh well, I guess if it doesn't pan out, I can always shove the pump in my bra somewhere. I am just afraid that if my boobs start vibrating or making a "boop beep boop" noise during the ceremony, I will be unable to stop giggling.

Though I'm sure that's a wedding story that would follow me for the rest of my life.

If anybody knows of any other good "things" for hiding a pump under a wedding dress, by all means, let me know!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Under Construction--Body And Blog

I am trying to embrace the idea of the d-blog, and by embrace, I mean remembering that I have this thing, and that I should use it! I want to share my stories with people and keep some kind of log of my progress.

Trying to learn Blogger is turning out to be more than I can handle in short snippets in between reading resumes for work. I think I need to spend some quality evening time on the site to figure out just how this thing should look. It seems to be a good time for change. Layout changes, link changes, etc.

It's also a time for "me" changes. I need to get back to the gym regularly--it's just Curves, after all, not a scary kind of gym. I need to not be so afraid to use other infusion sites for my pump, those old reliables are a little busted now for a reason (scar tissue).

I want to rebuild a tolerance and give Symlin a second try. It was working nicely until it started making me feel gross, and then I just kind of quit and messed it all up. When I tried to start on it again, well...bleh. I don't care how good my blood sugars are, I can't adjust to feeling like I'm going to barf all afternoon while I'm supposed to be working.

I'm getting married in just about a month, and I have to realize while we've got a great partnership going on, and he's the most helpful, most patient person when it comes to the diabetes, this is mine to deal with. My problem. My disease, chronic illness, ailment, curse, whatever you want to call it.

It's mine. And it doesn't go away when I'm not looking.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

This is where it starts to suck the most.

I blame all my recent spacey-ness and forgetfulness on my high blood sugars.

Now I have something like a month to get my act together at work or face possible dismissal.

I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that I've let myself do There is so much out there that I can achieve. This blog is one of those things that I'd like to get off the ground.

Focus. Focus. I can do this. Time to check the glucose. I can do this. Don't freak out.

Don't. Freak. The. Hell. Out.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

This is where it's going to start.

I don't want to be one of those people who only uses their personal blog to catalog their maladies, plus it's not helping anyone if I keep it all to myself.

I've had diabetes since I was 8, when I was diagnosed Type 1. Now I'm 24, a college grad, a soon-to-be-wed with a steady job that has terrific health benefits (thank God).

My last HbA1c? 10.1. Not good. T3h sUX0rZ, as they say here on the intar-webs.

Today I went to see a nurse practitioner (as opposed to my usual endo), and there was good news. While my blood sugars are still raging waaaay above where they should be, I'm better.

Today's HbA1c result? 8.5. Yay! A huge disappointment to some, but a small victory for me.

That's a part of why I'm starting this blog. I've been reading up on other d-bloggers, and I love the feeling of support I get just from checking out a web page. Other people out there are living crazy lives with diabetes, and when I read about them, suddenly I'm not alone.

And you there, reading this're not alone either. Thanks for checking this out. Let's make this something sweet...but you know, not like saccharine. That's just gross.